dinohouse | [Mushverse: Ankh and Eiji, also open to other Greeed]

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[Mushverse: Ankh and Eiji, also open to other Greeed]

I'm not a total jerk. Ankh asked me to tell him if I found out about any of the others coming back the way we did.

I could just call, I guess, I have a phone and I know how to use it and it would be easy enough to find the number for that crazy restaurant they live in.

But I'm restless. Lots of stuff has been happening at home lately, and I kind of feel like if I don't give myself something to do, I might go out and start a fight. With the stupid guy who kidnapped Katsumi, or that stupid pirate jerk who screwed up Joe's entire state of being, or... God, the list is endless.

But I don't want to, so I look up the address to Cous Coussier and walk there instead, toying with my Switch as I walk. Not pressing it, just sort of rolling it between my fingers, and wondering whether I should tell any of the other Greeed about it.

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He lets go, and I draw in a shuddery breath. His hand's on the back of my neck.

I twist as I come back down on him, groaning at the feel of him, then he finally tips over the edge. It takes barely a touch to myself before I follow, spurting hotly.

I sag on him for a moment, breathing hoarsely, then I gently disengage and do a rough cleanup.

I flop back down next to him, and gather him into my arms.

I curl against Eiji once he settles back down and draws me close, tucking myself in against his chest, my ear pressed to the center. His heart is beating a little faster than before, I'm sure mine is too, but it's still steady. Still solid.

"I'm sorry," my voice is raw, but at least I'm not crying anymore, though I'm sure there are still tears on my face. I'm not sure what I'm apologizing for. Maybe everything. Every time he got hurt because of me, every time I put him in danger or couldn't get him out of danger. For crying. For not being able to just talk to him sometimes. For leaving him. For needing him so badly.

For everything.

He nestles in against me, ear to my chest, and I sigh in contentment at the feel of him. He's nearly as reassured by touch as I am, I think.

I press my lips to the top of his head, then rest my cheek on it. His hair's so soft.

I feel good, physically. The aftermath of what we just did, coupled with having him in my arms. But the easy part's over, and he's still upset, and I still can't help him.

"Why?" I murmur. "You are perfect."

I laugh slightly, quietly, shaking my head. There's nothing perfect about me. I failed at being a Greeed, and now I'm failing at being human. I don't know how to articulate what I'm feeling, not even to the one person that cares the most about me. The one person that really cares about me at all.

And this... this feels like a passing dream. Feels like it's already crumbling apart. When even Kazari notices something is wrong, that I'm upsetting someone who I should never upset, not anymore, not with how he makes me feel.

"Idiot." This, as always since I've revived, is said with deep affection.

He laughs, and there's affection in it, amusement, but also... also a kind of hopelessness. Like he'll never be able to explain. Never be able to lean on me properly.

"Oi," I protest softly, lovingly. "I want to help. But I don't know how."

And isn't that terrifying.

I turn my head, shifting slightly against his chest so that I can look up at him, look at his face. His hair is all messy from sweat and sex (I'm sure mine doesn't look much better), his cheeks still slightly flushed. His heartbeat has settled, but his skin is still warm, almost hot.

This moment would be a perfect moment of quiet intimacy, if only I didn't feel like I'm falling apart. If only there weren't still salty trails down my temples. If only I could tell him I love him the way he tells me.

I do love him, don't I? That's why I... why I died for him.

I reach up and brush my fingers over Eiji's cheek, there's a little bit of stubble there, and the difference in texture feels interesting. Touching things, experiencing things, through my own body is still a trip sometimes. I don't understand how humans always take their senses for granted.

"I don't even really know what's wrong," I finally say, frowning apologetically at him. "It's not just one thing, it's all kinds of things. And I can't find the words for any of them."

He shifts to look up at me, and I give him what's basically an embarrassed smile. I don't -- don't know what he sees, when he looks at me with that expression on his face, and it's intimidating sometimes. He touches my face, then eventually speaks.

This isn't one of those big and scary but simple things that can be fixed by beating a monster, or standing firm against someone being a jerk, or yelling at someone to do the right thing.

This is big, scary, and complicated, and he can't even tell me. Not really. I'd ask him about seeing a counsellor if said counsellor wouldn't ship him off to psychiatric hospital for his 'delusions' the moment he started talking.

"It makes sense that waking up suddenly human would be confusing," I offer tentatively. I'm not even sure if this is it. But I have to try. Have to reach out my hand to him. "Especially after what happened when we thought it was all over."

"It's upsetting you," I cup his cheek in my hand, brushing my thumb under his eye. I bite my lip, feeling that emotional stab of pain in my chest again. "I'm upsetting you."

The things I've been doing. The things I've been saying, or not saying. I'm hurting him. I don't want to hurt him. He doesn't deserve it.

He didn't deserve all the times he was injured either, and most of those were my fault. Is this guilt? Is that what this sickening feeling is in the pit of my stomach when I look at the lines of scars that dust his skin?

I look down, at one of the scars on his arm, and trace the line of it with my finger. I can't even remember when or why he got this one.

"Ah, no, no, no," I protest instantly, noting at last the tear tracks on his face. "No, don't worry about me. I just want you to be okay."

And if I'm far too invested in him, well, that's my problem. Not his.

He runs a finger along a line of remembered pain on my arm, nothing much, and I look down. "That's old, and I'm fine," I say gently. "Ankh. Getting hurt is just part of being human. I accepted that a long time ago. Please don't worry about me."

"How is that fair?" I trace the line again, still trying to remember. Maybe it was before me, maybe I had nothing to do with this one. I still hate the thought of him in danger.

I don't ever want to lose him.

I take in a shaky breath and look back at his face. "How is it fair for you to worry so much about me, but I shouldn't worry about you?"

I open my mouth, then close it again. "...ah."

That's an excellent question, and I must be blinking at him like an incredibly stupid fish right now. "You're right. But at least you're not the one who," my voice goes very small, "not the one who got me killed? Does that get me any extra worry points?"

He's really cute when he's confused. I know it still irritates me sometimes, and I will probably continue to yell at him whenever he doesn't understand simple things. But in private, alone, I can admit how cute he is when he's like that.

But then he speaks, and my heart does that shuddering, painful breaking thing again.

"Eiji," I sit up, propping myself up on one arm and staring down at him, unable to keep the concern from face. "Is that what you think happened?"

He sits up, leaning on an arm, and gives me the oddest look.

"Y-Yes? There's no matter of opinion about it, Ankh, I killed you by fighting with you." It's simple, and all in the past, and all better now because he's here with me. But for some reason my voice is still hoarse.

I flounder for a moment. Of course, he didn't know, and I told Hina not to tell him. I'm amazed though that she didn't tell him, even after I was gone, about how she found me. The state I was in after Maki was done with me.

"I was already breaking," my voice is tight as I try to explain. "Hina found me in the woods, Maki he... Eiji, you didn't kill me. I was already dying."

A deep, slow shudder ripples through me. The things he went through without me horrify me. Hell, the things he went through with me horrify me.

"Ankh," I murmur, feeling the tears come. I reach out to press a gentle hand to his chest. Yes, still alive, though that's obvious. I just... feel better when I'm touching him. "Then I still killed you more quickly. You might've had more time."

I cover the hand his has against my chest with one of my own, gripping, squeezing, trying to reassure him further that yes. I am alive. I am real.

Maybe I'm also trying to reassure myself.

"Stop being so stupid," I choke out, the tears I see in his eyes making my own throat constrict painfully. "I gave you the last piece of me. My heart and soul, or whatever equivalent a Greeed could have to those. Fighting with you, being one with you like that, it was my choice. And it was the most perfect ending I could have asked for. Dreamed of."

It was fulfillment. Satisfaction. It was all the things my kind had dreamed of.

And that's the heart of the problem now, isn't it? I achieved my goal. I had a perfect end.

And I came back. And now how to I move?

He puts a hand over mine. I close my eyes for a moment, focusing on the feel of him, while I listen.

Ah.

Yes.

Yes, that's it.

"Th- thank you," I say softly, bowing my head forward to rest my forehead against his. "For that. For all of that. I didn't want to risk you, didn't want to hurt you, but there was no choice, and you were so definite. You helped me."

...and he's sounding a lot like Maki here.

"You never wanted to risk anyone," I sigh, closing my eyes for a second as our foreheads meet. I brush my nose against his, then sigh again, shakier this time.

"Except yourself, to the point where you always sounded so..." Suicidal. I clear my throat, and open my eyes again. "But it wasn't your decision to make. And it wasn't your decision that was made. You needed me, you needed my help. And I, for once in my existence, was willing to put myself and my wants aside and do something to help someone else."

And, oh, maybe that's what being human really is.

"I can't let others get hurt because I'm not strong enough," I say quietly. It was bad enough with Date-san and Gotou-san.But at least I knew they'd chosen their path, not been assigned to it by how they'd been created. I can let others fight, I know sometimes there are too many enemies.

But I... don't cope well with others fighting *my* fight. Taking risks that should be mine alone.

Getting hurt for me.

"I was so proud of you," I tell him, smiling though it hurts to think of it. "Furious at you, grateful for you, and so proud of you."

I click my tongue dismissively at his praise, my ears going red completely against my will. There's still a tight lump of twisted up emotions inside my chest, and I still feel shaky, uncertain, and lost.

I just can't deal with the thought of Eiji feelings guilty about my sacrifice. He shouldn't. That wasn't the point.

I kiss him, soft and slow, my hands coming up to cup his face as I settle down against him again. The knot in my chest starts to unravel, and I can feel tears coming on again. He's so... he's so stupid, and now he doesn't have OOO anymore, but he's going to keep fighting because that just the way he is.

He's going to get himself killed. And he's going to leave me. And I know, I know I did the same thing to him. I died, I left him behind literally holding the pieces, and it's only through some twist of fate that we're together again.

But I just... I can't lose him like he lost me. It's selfish, but it's honest.

I break the kiss to compose myself a little, keep my eyes mostly dry. I kiss across his cheek to his ear, my voice wavering as I whisper. "Tell me you love me again."

He tchhs at me, which I could've predicted. Another thing I love about him. In the midst of all this confusion, all these big questions and difficulties, he is still wholeheartedly himself.

The red ears are new, though. And adorable. I carefully don't comment.

He kisses me gently, nestles back down against me. Crying. Hell. He's moving, though, pressing careful little kisses on my skin, then he whispers in my ear.

"I love you," I say immediately, hand coming up to the nape of his neck to gently hold him against me. "Always. Completely."

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[Mushverse: Ankh and Eiji, also open to other Greeed]

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