dinohouse | For Gotou-chan!

"We had American fries, but we didn't eat a lot other than that. You said you didn't eat much today, Gotou-chan."

I support and soothe him as he drinks, though he doesn't take much and I take the bottle from him to give him one less thing to try to keep balanced. He looks really woozy. Gods, he probably didn't even realize how much he was worsening his condition by moving around so much.

I didn't miss how he kind of discarded the anpan, setting it on the couch beside him with an expression that tells me he may not even realize it's there. I focus on the drink, since he clearly is more up to that right now. "It's an electrolyte drink. It's artificial sweetners, so it won't give you a sugar crash. You need to eat real food, though, so let me know as soon as you feel able."

"I bought some painkillers." The bottle rattles as I begin to free it from its packaging. And he doesn't remember how much he drank, which doesn't surprise me, but I wish even more that I'd kept track for him. "I think you had two or three, actually. Here. I'll give you a one and a half dose for now."

"Just that?" Two or three drinks isn't really a lot. I know bar measures can be pretty heavy-handed, but still, I shouldn't actually be - well, drunk. I'm skinny, though, whereas someone like Date-san with more muscle mass can drink more. If only I'd thought of that before I started hitting the bottle.

I obligingly swallow down a couple of painkillers. After taking a moment to recover from that, I do my best to manage a few bites of anpan. It's actually quite tasty and it goes down easily. I don't want to make myself sick but if I don't eat anything, my sempai will worry. I've got more than enough to apologise for already. So let's start, "Date-san ... Thank you for taking care of me. I'm sorry I drank so much." My inner voice adds and made a fool of myself, and ran away from a taxi without paying, and - I stop there. We'll have time to go over the gory details soon enough.

The pills go down hard, and I wince as Gotou-chan works not to gag. I can't blame him, his body's far more overwrought than he realizes, and he's probably dehydrated to boot. I help him with a bit more drink after the anpan, just to wash it down, gently rubbing his back between his shoulderblades.

When he speaks, then, I can feel the way his breath and heart quicken. I can hear the strain in him, and it bothers me.

"It's alright, Gotou-chan." I can't lie to him, but I don't know how to address half a dozen other things that could be said right now. All I can do, is look at our knees, where the corner of the fold of fabric on his right knee is touching the folds on the knee of my left. It's tiny, but it helps. A little.

"You took care of me, too."

I won't specify how, or why. I hope he remembers, so I don't have to explain. And so I'm not the only one who knows about the wrongs I've done him tonight.

"That's a strange way to put it." I know what he's talking about, though I'm not sure I would refer to it as taking care of anything.

It was probably hideously embarrassing. I remember being all over him. Probably not an appealing sight while I was drunk. He deserves a medal just for putting up with me, but I'm not going to bring up that subject again. For the sake of both our sanity we should move on past it, "perhaps I should stay over again at a time when I haven't been drinking so much."

I do my best to finish up the bottle of energy drink. I appreciate that he bought it for me, but why do they sell these things? If it came in a medicine bottle, people would pour it down the sink.

"A strange way...?" At first I'm confused, then I understand where Gotou-chan's going with this. Or at least, I think I do.

"Aa.. yes, I could say it more plainly," I admit, feeling a perverse satisfaction in being forced not to hide behind vaguely permissive phrasings. "Thank you for looking after me. Even after I..." This hurts. "...Took advantage of you, Gotou-chan. I shouldn't have--"

I bring myself up sharply, words clattering to a halt like mahjong tiles. Gotou-chan is talking at the same time, saying "should stay over again at a time--"

Which is, with whatever qualifiers, perhaps I should stay over again.

I can't understand what he's saying. I mean, I hear the words, but-- Does he think he has reason to fear me now? Or need to placate me? If he'd returned my feelings he would have said so. Hours - and more kisses than I have any right - and addressing him without permission - stand between that opportunity and where we are now.

If he'd appreciated the first kiss, he would have said so. And even though he didn't, I couldn't maintain proper decorum on my side. That's my fault, and mine alone.

"Gotou-chan, what are you saying? You don't have to pretend for my sake, I'm the one who--"

I have to stop again. My throat's thick and stuffy with emotion, and I look down, away, at the back of my own hand resting on the cushion beside me. It's tough, tanned, a traveling worker's hand. A hand that's supposed to heal.

My head's bowed, and I keep it down, speaking clearly and numbly. "I am sorry, Gotou-chan, for my selfishness."

Selfishness? Taking advantage of me? What is he ...

Is he still upset about locking me in an office and then throwing the key out of the window? Yes, it was a pretty stupid thing to do, but it's not the end of the world, "I don't understand. Sempai ... what's wrong? You haven't done anything selfish. I'm the one who got drunk and couldn't get home." He let me stay the night and went out at dawn to buy painkillers and energy drinks for me, I would say that was very considerate.

He's looking so wretched that I put an arm around his shoulders even though it's probably inappropriate. He won't mind, after all, I thought he loved me? And if I'm being honest, it's too late for me to keep denying how I feel. We may not have much time left together, so we should make the most of it.

I'm ashamed to report that my breath catches in my throat when Gotou-chan wraps his arm around me. I've been replaying the whole night in my head all during my run, and it's all settled into clear definition by now.

I told him about the bullet. I told him I loved him. I kissed him, took him out to dinner and got him inebriated, took him back to my apartment and kissed him more. I presumed familiarity without permission, and if I hadn't stopped myself, I would have...gone rather further along than we did.

"You got drunk because I told you I'm wounded," I correct him, my tone firm though weary. I can't say 'dying,' not right now, not ever perhaps. Like I told him earlier, I don't want to think of it that way. It will only upset those around me, and it won't change the facts.

I had almost forgotten about all that, though. Funny how a bullet in your brain is a less pressing matter of attention than the lower lip of the beautifully handsome man in my company.

To whom I still must force myself to make clear my point. I can't let him pretend away the necessity that I apologize for my actions.

"I wasn't considerate of your feelings and then I forced myself on you after promising that I wouldn't, even if you didn't return my feelings."

"I acted poorly, Gotou-chan, and you deserve better."

"I got drunk because we went out for dinner and I didn't eat properly." I'm still an embarrassing lightweight. It's a bit much to get tipsy after two drinks, but I can't really keep up with my sempai - he has a lot more muscle mass than I do. If I had eaten more, the alcohol wouldn't have affected me so fast, "and you did not 'force yourself on me.' I was all over you." Embarrassingly so, but I at least remember that much.

I also remember running away from the taxi without paying (probably my idea), staggering about a bit, and flopping down on his sofa. Thankfully not throwing up or doing anything else too uncouth. But no matter what I say, I know he's going to blame himself for it and the wretchedness on his face is too much to bear. I don't know why he's doing this now of all times. He seems determined to beat himself over the head with it when none of this is his fault.

I was going to say something. Or do something, I don't know what; but the next thing I'm aware of is my hand's on his chin (a little rough, but I like it that way) and tipping it towards me and my lips are on his again. I notice he used the word wounded, he's carefully avoiding anything more specific than that. He loves me and do I love him?

Yes, I do. I think we'll work this out.

He hasn't said it in words. He hasn't seen, or perhaps understood, that I saw a 'no' in his actions. That this, now, his mouth lifting to mine, is both baffling and the most sweetly clarifying explanation.

I still don't understand what's been going through his head all evening. Perhaps I understand even less than I thought I did. But I know what this kiss says. I'm not so stuck in scolding myself for poor action that I can't hear him loud and clear now.

I love you, his kiss is saying. I don't know anything more than that, but now I do know that. Now, he's sober, he's had time to think, he's acting of his own will and not guilt for my life or loopiness of alcohol. He's kissing me, and the kiss says I love you.

I lift one crooked knuckle to the underside of his chin, tipping it up ever so gently, letting my eyes slide shut on a blissful sigh. My free hand rises to cup the back of his head, fingers lost in the thickness of his dark curls, and with the tip of my tongue I nudge his lips apart and lose myself in his mouth, his kiss, this single moment.

Finally, after night so long it's become morning, hours we traced on a labyrinth path through the city's nighttime should-haves and couldn't-be's, the air is clear and everything is crisp and oh so calm inside my mind. There's no over-thinking, no worry, no fear, no burden or guilt. Gotou-chan is kissing me, Gotou-chan loves me.

No regrets.

It takes several moments for my brain to launch itself into gear. Although I'm very happy where I am, I'm not getting a lot of oxygen, until some part of me remembers to relax and breathe deeply through my nose. And now his tongue's inside my mouth and his fingers are in my hair and it's all I can do to stay upright. I want to just flop down and surrender and let everything else drift away, and perhaps I will and there will be no offices, no shrieking employers with birthday cakes, no demands for overtime pay or fragments of bullet lodged in soft tissue.

My less conscious self needs no instruction. My jaw is working softly against his and I'm pressing up against him. I'm bony, so it might be a little uncomfortable. Guess that's one of the many little details that we'll unravel over time.

Gotou-chan arches against my side, and I am abruptly aware of our positions, sitting side by side on my couch, both of our backs arched to let our lips meet in the middle. His hands have a very loose grip on me, dreamily faint, and my heart shudders with passion, imagining what he must look like right now. What we must look like.

His body's so thin, so much bone seemingly hardly covered, and the heart of the man who wears that body is fierce, beating out a lion's roar against my chest and arm, where we're pressed close enough for me to feel.

I slide my palms up and around to cup his jaw, thumbs rubbing the smooth, hollowed-out planes of his cheeks where I can feel the nudge of our tongues in his mouth. I can barely breathe with how excited I feel, like I'm overflowing with energy that I want to give him. My love, my kisses, myself, yes - and so much more.

I want to lay my hands upon him and pour all of the sunshine of the world into him, watch him rise and glow and just be himself - the amazing warrior, the man of gentle heart, the dedicated policeman and the man humbled for sake of the greater good. I want him to be all of himself, but brighter, for everyone to see and understand.

This is how to be a man of truly good morals and strength, I want them to realize. This man is as pure of heart and intention as any on this globe.

I pull back from our kiss briefly, licking my lips with a shallow gasp, my nose pressed against Gotou-chan's, staying close.

I've seen most of the globe, met many, many people. I know, I've seen for myself.

He's one of the best ones.

He's sort of tracing his thumbs over my cheeks; not roughly, but it makes me aware of how thin I am. I almost feel like he might tear through the skin. It's making me all too aware of how physically fragile I am, which is perhaps not the best quality in a police officer, but compared to Date-san I'm pretty slight. It took him no time at all to master the Birth Buster, and me many painful hours of training.

And then he moves backwards just for oxygen, face still close to mine. Our noses are touching which feels a little strange but it reminds me of something I read about certain tribes in the Pacific Islands, who greet each other by rubbing noses and breathing on each other. Supposedly it's a way of allowing the souls to say hello and if I believed in any such thing then I would grant Date-san a piece of mine.

"Gotou-chan." I'm breathing a bit rough, fighting down several urges and all too aware of the torque on my spine, becoming painful, from our posture. I want to return to the futon, this time without misunderstandings between us, without guilt, and hold him close. But, of course, if I simply lead him silently, he may assume I want as much as I assumed he didn't.

"Will you sleep beside me tonight?" I tip my mouth in for another kiss, this one brief and chaste, allowing him space to answer afterward - it's just impossible to keep my mouth far from his right now. Not now that I know I'm permitted there. "I want to embrace you."

Edited 2012-10-20 23:20 (UTC)

"... Is it that late?" I guess I thought it was morning, but maybe it isn't yet. How late did we get back from the restaurant? Either way I'm not averse to the idea, "yes, of course." So I climb down onto the futon and stretch out. I should let him take up more of the room, he's bigger than me, I can just sort of fit in beside him.

He's being awfully formal about this. I guess he doesn't want to do anything without my consent. And I'm touched that he's being so careful with me, but I also worry that he's still hung up on last night. We all do things when we're drunk (I don't, not usually, but there's a first time for everything.) I should say something about it only I don't want to bring it up again and sour the atmosphere.

I laugh softly, climbing down to lay beside him, feeling comfortable and optimistic about my little corner of the world. "Maybe morning is a better word for it. It's past five AM."

Gotou-chan seems nervous, stiff maybe, and the doubt that I shouldn't, that I should pull back again, flashes through my mind. But I push it quickly away. He made his feelings clear. And I want to keep showing him mine. Don't second-guess, don't do things we'll regret.

I draw him into my arms once I get settled, wrapping one leg over his knees to hold him close there, too. With his neck pillowed on my upper arm, I stroke through his hair with the other, caressing his temple and cheek, tipping his mouth to mine once again. Now, the position's more comfortable for us both. Now, I can feel his heartbeat even more strongly, and the way that his belly presses against mine when I stretch my body against his. My palm slides down his back, from his shoulder to shoulderblade, fingertips tracing the thin ridge of his spine down to his narrow waist. I hold it there, wanting to reach lower, wanting so much--

I compromise my better nature against my baser one, letting my palm come to rest on the small of Gotou's back, right above his belt in the back. I can't help but push a little once it's there, urging his body closer to mine. My kiss is still reverent, loving, gentle, but deeper now, my greedy tongue always demanding more.

I'm still a bit confused as to what time we got back and how much sleep we got. But I'm a little tired, and a few more hours might be just what we both need. Especially since Date-san was up at the crack of dawn going to the convenience store for me.

So he settles in next to me, and he's got his arms round me and his fingers are going down my spine and right the way down to my lower back and -

and that's where my mind catches itself, like a record skipping. I suppose this is a natural thing to do with someone you love, but it's still so intense, much more so than anything I've tried to do with anyone before. And his touch urges me to push in closer to me, all skin and bone up against his more muscular form. All the heat in my body is travelling downwards with his hand on my lower back and I know that as he presses against me he can feel my breath catching in my chest.

My breath is stuttering just as much as Gotou-chan's, and I'm overwhelmed by the closeness of him, the intimacy of how closely we're embraced. He's not wearing his utility vest any longer, thankfully; it's bulky and would surely be more uncomfortable than the lean weight of him in in his dark t-shirt and my arms.

I break our kiss into a series of littler ones, moving from his mouth to kiss his jaw, the corner of his lips, his cheek. Eventually I tuck my face against his neck, just breathing deeply. My body's overwarm, pulse speeding, but I'm not going to listen to its impetuousness. In each other's arms like this, we're both caught up and bespelled simply by our closeness.

There is more, so much more, that could be done. Perhaps someday it will be. But that's not for now. My body wishes it were, but it's an animal body, with desires that are reproductive, not of the heart. Rushing forward would drag us skimming over the surface of this moment. And there will be time for us in our future. Just as much time as we are meant to have, and no more. Rushing through the time we're given will grow no more hours from the minutes trampled in haste.

I would much rather rest here. If we take our time, we sink deeply into this first embrace, let it permeate us as nothing more or less than what it is. I want to spend time in it, because we'll never have it again.

This is my first embrace with the Gotou-chan who loves me as I love him.

... He's very quiet. Has he gone to sleep?

I reach backwards and scrabble around in the darkness for his fingers. I catch a hand, or both, and hope he's held onto enough semblance of consciousness for me to at least say goodnight, "thank you for getting up and going to the convenience store for me, sempai. And even for locking me in the office back there. I appreciate that you were honest with me."

I'm going to have a skeleton key made up for all the rooms in the building. Satonaka will not have access to this key.

There's silence, for several moments, before I add "I love you." I'm not sure where that came from. I suppose I thought it was time for him to hear it as he's said it himself already. Either way, it's sincere.

Expectations leave you disappointed for what could have been, despite having what does exist. I try to remember this - though I don't always manage it perfectly. But I try my best.

I wasn't expecting anything more, tonight, than what Gotou-chan's already given me in his kisses. His words are a gift even greater still. When he speaks, my breath jerks out of the slow, heavy rhythm it's fallen into as I simply meditated on the moment in front of me, and I lift my head from the crook of his shoulder so I can meet his eyes, see his face. I'm beaming, my eyes crinkled half-shut with how happy I am.

"Gotou-chan..." I breathe happily. I hope my expression shows every bit of the deep effect his words have on me, but I don't know if a person's face really can express everything that is swirling around my heart right now. I tip my mouth to his, briefly, gently rolling each of his lips between my own in turn, individually, luxuriating in the softness and shape of his mouth before laying mine to his properly, kissing him in earnest, slowly, deeply. Adoringly.

When I pull back again, my heart's going faster again, and my pupils are probably dilated with how much I need him in my life, in my arms, at my side. I'm surprised that when I open my mouth to speak, my throat's clenched up, partially choking my words, my tongue thick. "Love you," I murmur, vaguely frustrated that the phrase comes out in abbreviation instead of in full.

"I love you."

I don't know what I was expecting at this stage. Perhaps not a lot, as I thought he was asleep. So it startles me when he looms over me, and then -

Then sometimes you discover what all those tired old phrases really mean, such as taking my breath away.

I don't have much of it left by the time he's finished with me, and then he opens his mouth to slowly, perhaps painfully (should I fetch him a glass of water?) replies that he loves me, too. As I knew he did.

There's not a lot I can say to that, so I lean up briefly and brush my lips against his one more time. I wonder if I should have anticipated any of this back when he locked us in the office. It doesn't fix the hole in the pavement, for which the city council will surely send the bill on Monday; but it goes a little way to soothing the sharp inner voice within me.

He's flushed, short of breath, and his eyes seem even more huge, more soulful than normal as he looks up at me, lifts his mouth to mine. It's the gentlest brushing touch, so quiet, so much what I desire, what is perfectly exactly everything I'd wanted.

I take it back, Hino. I gather Gotou-chan against me, shifting until I can tuck his head just under my own, against my chest, my own breath gently ruffling his hair. I want him so much - I want him with every fiber of me.

I don't mean his body, or the suggestion of some pleasurable thing his body can do to mine. When I say I want him, I mean all him, his presence and soul. His closeness. His spirit, pressed near to mine. It makes my heart clench, the intensity of the feeling that's pouring over me, washing me in admiration for him as a person, as a companion. Even as I finally relax, beginning to truly drift off to sleep in Gotou-chan's arms, my heart is beating so happily that it might actually be dancing.

I take it back, Hino, I'm thinking, smiling as I sleep. Thank you for pushing me. Thank you, for convincing me to take this chance.

No regrets.

For Gotou-chan!

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