dinohouse | For Gotou-chan!

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For Gotou-chan!

"It's a team-building exercise, Gotou-chan!" I told you, beaming broadly.

Of course, this was directly after locking us into one of the unused office spaces in the Kougami Foundation building, opening the window, and dropping the key out the window, thirteen floors to the ground. And then turning around and seeing that face you always give me when I've just done something of this caliber of stupid.

But I've been trying to get up the courage to talk to you for months now. It just never happens. And it's got to. I can't go on like this for much longer.

So, here we are.

"Team-building?" I say again, with a hopeful beaming smile. "Team Birth needs bonding exercises!"

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"... Is it that late?" I guess I thought it was morning, but maybe it isn't yet. How late did we get back from the restaurant? Either way I'm not averse to the idea, "yes, of course." So I climb down onto the futon and stretch out. I should let him take up more of the room, he's bigger than me, I can just sort of fit in beside him.

He's being awfully formal about this. I guess he doesn't want to do anything without my consent. And I'm touched that he's being so careful with me, but I also worry that he's still hung up on last night. We all do things when we're drunk (I don't, not usually, but there's a first time for everything.) I should say something about it only I don't want to bring it up again and sour the atmosphere.

I laugh softly, climbing down to lay beside him, feeling comfortable and optimistic about my little corner of the world. "Maybe morning is a better word for it. It's past five AM."

Gotou-chan seems nervous, stiff maybe, and the doubt that I shouldn't, that I should pull back again, flashes through my mind. But I push it quickly away. He made his feelings clear. And I want to keep showing him mine. Don't second-guess, don't do things we'll regret.

I draw him into my arms once I get settled, wrapping one leg over his knees to hold him close there, too. With his neck pillowed on my upper arm, I stroke through his hair with the other, caressing his temple and cheek, tipping his mouth to mine once again. Now, the position's more comfortable for us both. Now, I can feel his heartbeat even more strongly, and the way that his belly presses against mine when I stretch my body against his. My palm slides down his back, from his shoulder to shoulderblade, fingertips tracing the thin ridge of his spine down to his narrow waist. I hold it there, wanting to reach lower, wanting so much--

I compromise my better nature against my baser one, letting my palm come to rest on the small of Gotou's back, right above his belt in the back. I can't help but push a little once it's there, urging his body closer to mine. My kiss is still reverent, loving, gentle, but deeper now, my greedy tongue always demanding more.

I'm still a bit confused as to what time we got back and how much sleep we got. But I'm a little tired, and a few more hours might be just what we both need. Especially since Date-san was up at the crack of dawn going to the convenience store for me.

So he settles in next to me, and he's got his arms round me and his fingers are going down my spine and right the way down to my lower back and -

and that's where my mind catches itself, like a record skipping. I suppose this is a natural thing to do with someone you love, but it's still so intense, much more so than anything I've tried to do with anyone before. And his touch urges me to push in closer to me, all skin and bone up against his more muscular form. All the heat in my body is travelling downwards with his hand on my lower back and I know that as he presses against me he can feel my breath catching in my chest.

My breath is stuttering just as much as Gotou-chan's, and I'm overwhelmed by the closeness of him, the intimacy of how closely we're embraced. He's not wearing his utility vest any longer, thankfully; it's bulky and would surely be more uncomfortable than the lean weight of him in in his dark t-shirt and my arms.

I break our kiss into a series of littler ones, moving from his mouth to kiss his jaw, the corner of his lips, his cheek. Eventually I tuck my face against his neck, just breathing deeply. My body's overwarm, pulse speeding, but I'm not going to listen to its impetuousness. In each other's arms like this, we're both caught up and bespelled simply by our closeness.

There is more, so much more, that could be done. Perhaps someday it will be. But that's not for now. My body wishes it were, but it's an animal body, with desires that are reproductive, not of the heart. Rushing forward would drag us skimming over the surface of this moment. And there will be time for us in our future. Just as much time as we are meant to have, and no more. Rushing through the time we're given will grow no more hours from the minutes trampled in haste.

I would much rather rest here. If we take our time, we sink deeply into this first embrace, let it permeate us as nothing more or less than what it is. I want to spend time in it, because we'll never have it again.

This is my first embrace with the Gotou-chan who loves me as I love him.

... He's very quiet. Has he gone to sleep?

I reach backwards and scrabble around in the darkness for his fingers. I catch a hand, or both, and hope he's held onto enough semblance of consciousness for me to at least say goodnight, "thank you for getting up and going to the convenience store for me, sempai. And even for locking me in the office back there. I appreciate that you were honest with me."

I'm going to have a skeleton key made up for all the rooms in the building. Satonaka will not have access to this key.

There's silence, for several moments, before I add "I love you." I'm not sure where that came from. I suppose I thought it was time for him to hear it as he's said it himself already. Either way, it's sincere.

Expectations leave you disappointed for what could have been, despite having what does exist. I try to remember this - though I don't always manage it perfectly. But I try my best.

I wasn't expecting anything more, tonight, than what Gotou-chan's already given me in his kisses. His words are a gift even greater still. When he speaks, my breath jerks out of the slow, heavy rhythm it's fallen into as I simply meditated on the moment in front of me, and I lift my head from the crook of his shoulder so I can meet his eyes, see his face. I'm beaming, my eyes crinkled half-shut with how happy I am.

"Gotou-chan..." I breathe happily. I hope my expression shows every bit of the deep effect his words have on me, but I don't know if a person's face really can express everything that is swirling around my heart right now. I tip my mouth to his, briefly, gently rolling each of his lips between my own in turn, individually, luxuriating in the softness and shape of his mouth before laying mine to his properly, kissing him in earnest, slowly, deeply. Adoringly.

When I pull back again, my heart's going faster again, and my pupils are probably dilated with how much I need him in my life, in my arms, at my side. I'm surprised that when I open my mouth to speak, my throat's clenched up, partially choking my words, my tongue thick. "Love you," I murmur, vaguely frustrated that the phrase comes out in abbreviation instead of in full.

"I love you."

I don't know what I was expecting at this stage. Perhaps not a lot, as I thought he was asleep. So it startles me when he looms over me, and then -

Then sometimes you discover what all those tired old phrases really mean, such as taking my breath away.

I don't have much of it left by the time he's finished with me, and then he opens his mouth to slowly, perhaps painfully (should I fetch him a glass of water?) replies that he loves me, too. As I knew he did.

There's not a lot I can say to that, so I lean up briefly and brush my lips against his one more time. I wonder if I should have anticipated any of this back when he locked us in the office. It doesn't fix the hole in the pavement, for which the city council will surely send the bill on Monday; but it goes a little way to soothing the sharp inner voice within me.

He's flushed, short of breath, and his eyes seem even more huge, more soulful than normal as he looks up at me, lifts his mouth to mine. It's the gentlest brushing touch, so quiet, so much what I desire, what is perfectly exactly everything I'd wanted.

I take it back, Hino. I gather Gotou-chan against me, shifting until I can tuck his head just under my own, against my chest, my own breath gently ruffling his hair. I want him so much - I want him with every fiber of me.

I don't mean his body, or the suggestion of some pleasurable thing his body can do to mine. When I say I want him, I mean all him, his presence and soul. His closeness. His spirit, pressed near to mine. It makes my heart clench, the intensity of the feeling that's pouring over me, washing me in admiration for him as a person, as a companion. Even as I finally relax, beginning to truly drift off to sleep in Gotou-chan's arms, my heart is beating so happily that it might actually be dancing.

I take it back, Hino, I'm thinking, smiling as I sleep. Thank you for pushing me. Thank you, for convincing me to take this chance.

No regrets.

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For Gotou-chan!

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