For Gotou-chan!

[wontreadthemanual]

"It's a team-building exercise, Gotou-chan!" I told you, beaming broadly.

Of course, this was directly after locking us into one of the unused office spaces in the Kougami Foundation building, opening the window, and dropping the key out the window, thirteen floors to the ground. And then turning around and seeing that face you always give me when I've just done something of this caliber of stupid.

But I've been trying to get up the courage to talk to you for months now. It just never happens. And it's got to. I can't go on like this for much longer.

So, here we are.

"Team-building?" I say again, with a hopeful beaming smile. "Team Birth needs bonding exercises!"

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[wontreadthemanual]

Expectations leave you disappointed for what could have been, despite having what does exist. I try to remember this - though I don't always manage it perfectly. But I try my best.

I wasn't expecting anything more, tonight, than what Gotou-chan's already given me in his kisses. His words are a gift even greater still. When he speaks, my breath jerks out of the slow, heavy rhythm it's fallen into as I simply meditated on the moment in front of me, and I lift my head from the crook of his shoulder so I can meet his eyes, see his face. I'm beaming, my eyes crinkled half-shut with how happy I am.

"Gotou-chan..." I breathe happily. I hope my expression shows every bit of the deep effect his words have on me, but I don't know if a person's face really can express everything that is swirling around my heart right now. I tip my mouth to his, briefly, gently rolling each of his lips between my own in turn, individually, luxuriating in the softness and shape of his mouth before laying mine to his properly, kissing him in earnest, slowly, deeply. Adoringly.

When I pull back again, my heart's going faster again, and my pupils are probably dilated with how much I need him in my life, in my arms, at my side. I'm surprised that when I open my mouth to speak, my throat's clenched up, partially choking my words, my tongue thick. "Love you," I murmur, vaguely frustrated that the phrase comes out in abbreviation instead of in full.

"I love you."

[doestheresearch]

I don't know what I was expecting at this stage. Perhaps not a lot, as I thought he was asleep. So it startles me when he looms over me, and then -

Then sometimes you discover what all those tired old phrases really mean, such as taking my breath away.

I don't have much of it left by the time he's finished with me, and then he opens his mouth to slowly, perhaps painfully (should I fetch him a glass of water?) replies that he loves me, too. As I knew he did.

There's not a lot I can say to that, so I lean up briefly and brush my lips against his one more time. I wonder if I should have anticipated any of this back when he locked us in the office. It doesn't fix the hole in the pavement, for which the city council will surely send the bill on Monday; but it goes a little way to soothing the sharp inner voice within me.

[wontreadthemanual]

He's flushed, short of breath, and his eyes seem even more huge, more soulful than normal as he looks up at me, lifts his mouth to mine. It's the gentlest brushing touch, so quiet, so much what I desire, what is perfectly exactly everything I'd wanted.

I take it back, Hino. I gather Gotou-chan against me, shifting until I can tuck his head just under my own, against my chest, my own breath gently ruffling his hair. I want him so much - I want him with every fiber of me.

I don't mean his body, or the suggestion of some pleasurable thing his body can do to mine. When I say I want him, I mean all him, his presence and soul. His closeness. His spirit, pressed near to mine. It makes my heart clench, the intensity of the feeling that's pouring over me, washing me in admiration for him as a person, as a companion. Even as I finally relax, beginning to truly drift off to sleep in Gotou-chan's arms, my heart is beating so happily that it might actually be dancing.

I take it back, Hino, I'm thinking, smiling as I sleep. Thank you for pushing me. Thank you, for convincing me to take this chance.

No regrets.