dinohouse | [Kotako] - For Enter/Emeric

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[Kotako] - For Enter/Emeric

I clear my throat, not that I need to. I guess it's just one of those things that was programmed into us. So we would appear more sympathetic, more human. Oh, I'm so nervous. I don't know if that's programmed into me, but I'm definitely very nervous.

I tap the connection.

I hope he's there.

"E-Emeric?"

[ooc: am too lazy to make a separate journal for her]

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He -- he might?

"They wouldn't hurt me or Eti," I protest wistfully, "so it would never come up, Emi. Please. Please don't say that."

I imagine she's the only one left who would ever call me that, so I'm not sure why it catches me off guard, but it does, and it hurts like a knife. Etienne will never call me that again. Nicknames from when we were very young, just learning to speak, French concurrently with Japanese from birth.

"If they did, though, Ko-ko. If anything happens to you, I won't... I can't forgive anyone who could ever hurt someone as good as you."

I love the sound of that pet name from him. It's been so long. His voice has changed, deepened, but he's still my Emi.

He sounds really upset.

"You're all grown up, but you're still my little Emi," I say fondly. "So loving, so protective. Don't worry about me."

All grown up. Just like Etienne. Precisely like Etienne, in fact, only on the other side of a conflict that can never been peacefully reconciled. If EMC prevails, if Messiah is destroyed, I have no doubt that I will follow shortly after, if of course I don't fall before. If Messiah conquers, well. I can't imagine. Destruction. Maybe I could protect Kotako. She's a machine at heart, like Messiah.

But Etienne...

No, I don't imagine we can both survive this, no matter how much in pains me to know.

"I won't." I hate lying to her. I am. I do. I want to protect her, and I can't even risk opening a visual feed in this conversation that will probably never happen again.

"You're strong."

"I'm not," I laugh, voice rippling electronically. "But you're very nice to say so."

I touch the screen again, wishing I could see him. "Hiromu says you're with Messiah and you can't come home yet," I say softly. "If I'd stayed with you, maybe that wouldn't've happened. Or maybe I could at least be with you now." I hate this. I hate it so much. "Will you come back? Please? I miss you."

I tell myself I don't need to see her. That there's no possible way she's changed. She doesn't age.

My free hand closes into a tight fist, my nails digging into my own palm. "I can't, chérie." I say softly. "I want to see you, know that I dearly do. But..." I imagine they haven't told her. Haven't explained. A flash of anger, directed mostly at Etienne. "They'll hurt me if I do. I've done bad things, Ko-ko."

I hang my head. "It can't be that bad," I say in a miserable little electronic warble. "People can be forgiven for anything. I'll help you explain."

I have to. It's the least I can do after not being there for him.

"That's very sweet of you." I hate it when she sounds upset. I don't even know who to blame anymore.

Myself, I suppose.

"But this isn't exactly like a broken window or a stolen piece of candy. Everyone is in danger. And Eti doesn't want me back."

"I'll talk to him," I say firmly. "You two have fought before, Emi. It will be all right. You just have to trust me."

I give a halfhearted smile even though she can't see it.

If it keeps her busy. If it makes her happy.

"I do trust you, chérie. You do whatever you think is right."

"I will, my darling Emi," I say lovingly. "And I'll come to see you, too. I'll fix everything."

I touch the screen, running yet another computation in my head to come up with an estimate of what he might look like now. Like Etienne, of course, but not exactly. They've never been one hundred percent identical. Not to me, or Takosawa, or each other.

"I love you."

I don't see that happening any time in the near future... Or ever, but it's not my place to shatter her illusions. She's upset enough as it is.

"I'm sure you will." False hope. I guess I'm no better than Hiromu after all.

I close my eyes and sigh again. "I should go, chérie. I have things to do. I'm not sure when we can talk again." If we can talk again.

I don't want him to go. My voice gets very small.

"Can I see you on the screen, at least?"

I've never been able to say no to her, damn it. I shake my head before she can see it, then with a tap of a few keys I turn on the visual feed.

Of course, she looks exactly the same. What was I expecting, her to be taller?

"Just for you."

I hear buttons being pressed, then he appears on the screen. My mouth icon turns up at the edges, then up some more.

"Emi," I say happily. "You look wonderful. Thank you!"

She's smiling. Well, at least I could do that for her still.

"Thank you for the compliment," I say quietly, a reflex she had instilled in me when I was younger. "I really should go, though. Before..." Before anyone finds out. Before the Go-Busters track me here. Before I hurt her any more.

Such good manners, still. I don't know what's happened to him, but he's still a good person.

"You go if you have to," I tell him hastily. "I'll see you soon, okay? And I want a full explanation about everything when I do!"

"Oui, oui, oui," I can't imagine her ever making it out of their base. There's no way Etienne will let her, at the very least. "Of course, I'll tell you everything then."

It'll probably be in the afterlife, but at least I can rest assured that chances are we'll at least go to the same one. The underworld for machines.

If such a thing even exists.

"And, Ko-ko..." I smile into the camera for her. "Je t'aime."

"You'd better," I say happily. I want to sound all punish-y because I've only just got him back, sort of, and I need to look after him! But I can't. I'm just so happy to see him and talk to him, even if I can't hug him yet.

....awww.

"Me, too," I say softly. "Very much."

"Adieu, ma chérie." My voice drops to a whisper right before I cut the connection.

I'm still not crying. I guess that's not something I can do after all.

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