[Mushverse] For Eiji

[redgreeed]

I stumble into the restaurant, long after the sun has set, after the place has closed. I giggle when the door bangs behind me, and watch it as it swings shut, as it locks itself. I used to always go in through the window, but now I find I can't reach it, no matter how agile I'm feeling.

I trip on something, maybe just the floor, and halfway fall into a table, laughing sharp and shrill as I do. I smack it once with my hand, the same way I smacked Kazari on the shoulder and declared we'd always be brothers, even though neither of us are Greeeds anymore.

That was around the third bottle of sake, after my cheeks went numb, and before my fingers and toes joined them. He's a good cat, he made sure none of my food had any bird meat in it.

And he made sure I got home without wandering off and trying to climb any trees. Well, no more than he tried to.

Oh.

The room is spinning.

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[redgreeed]

I try my best to time my breaths with Eiji's. In and out. I-in and o-ou-out.

The room spins, and I cling to him.

"Eiji," I gasp, beyond feeling guilt, beyond feelings of pride. I grab hard at his hand and try to catch his eyes with my swirling gaze. "Bear?"

I need the bear he gave me.

[hinooo]

He's fading.

It's quite ridiculous. He's always been fragile physically, both in the detective's body and now in his own. Slim wrists, skin barely stretched over bone, fragility on fragility. But his personality has such force, he's so strong, that I don't really notice until he's vulnerable like this.

Until he's shuddering in my arms, trying to trust me, trying to breathe with me. Failing.

He grabs my hand and asks for his bear, and my heart nearly breaks all over again. I press my lips to his forehead. "Of course."

I keep one arm around his shoulders, cradling his head against the dip under my collarbone, and reach out with the other hand, reach behind me, for the bear. I think I saw it on -- there.

I place the bear in his arms. "Let me get you settled in bed, okay?"

[redgreeed]

I lean into him, my head tucked up under his chin, still trying to time my shallow breathes with his deeper ones. And mostly failing.

But I can heart his heartbeat, strong and steady. And powerful. As Powerful as his will.

Oh.

Oh that's what it always was with him.

I clutch at the bear he gave me, once he sets it safely in my arms. The room is spinning fiercely now, practically doing summersaults.

He didn't have passion, he didn't have desire.

He has will.

"Eiji, I love you." I murmur against him, then choke, because I have no right to say that to him, not after tonight. I shake my head, and try to pull away from him, try to move toward my pillow, where I can curl up and pretend...

I don't even know.

Maybe just try and forget.

[hinooo]

He's clinging to the bear like it's oxygen, and his eyes aren't focusing. How much did he have?!

He's pulling away from me, and I don't know the cause. I could mess around trying to interpret his actions, I could assume it's one thing or another, but it's easier just to say straight out what I don't know. Easier to put my heart on the line, as it always is, with him. Open to him. Always him.

Always his.

"If you're pulling away from me to get comfortable, that's okay," I say softly. I begin helping him settle into the bed, moving the pillow so it supports his neck properly, worming the blanket out from under him.

But then I get in behind him, and I carefully place an arm over him, carefully fit myself around him. I don't want to pull him closer to me. He's sick, it wouldn't be fair. "But if you're pulling away because you have some idiotic idea that you're not worthy of me, then I won't allow it, Ankh." I press my lips gently to the skin behind his ear. "I love you. You'll have to push me away a lot more convincingly than that, and even then, I'll still want you. I'll still need you. I'll only give you a short break before I'm back talking to you again, caring about you, wanting your opinion, wanting you to be happy."

I put my head back on the pillow, behind his. "I love you."

[redgreeed]

He moves me, or at least helps me move. And, shit, I find myself moving with him, though I know I don't deserve his care. I never have, and never will.

But I selfishly shift into him, once he curls up behind me. I clutch more tightly at the bear when he kisses me behind my ear. I feel so weak and small. Childlike.

Which is funny, since I have no idea what it feels like to be a child.

I don't know how to be human, it all comes back to that.

"Eiji..." I start, then stop, my throat too raw, my lips too dry. I may need water or something, but I'm not going to ask for it.

I shake my head, and settle in with him.

I thought love was bullshit before I met him. And then I realized I loved him, and then I hurt him...

[hinooo]

"Oh!" I say, cursing myself. His voice is so raw. I press my lips to the back of his hair. "You sound awful. I'll get you water and, um, probably aspirin would be good if you think you can swallow a pill. Just a minute!"

I jump up and return swiftly, setting the glass and pills down on the table. "Let me help you sit."

[redgreeed]

He rushes off suddenly, with words of water and aspirin. And I'm grateful, despite my shame, that he cares for me so.

I should be better for him, he deserves so much more than me.

When he comes back I manage to sit up enough to drink on my own, and carefully accept the pill and glass from him. I stare at the tiny pill a moment, my thoughts trying to go all deep.

When I was Greeed, the only pain I knew was longing, and no pill could fix that.

Stop it, Ankh.

I take the pill and drink several gulps of water, then murmur as aloud a thanks as I can manage.

[hinooo]

His eyes go really far away when I give him the pill. I can't reach him.

I'm not going to try, for the moment, though. It won't help. All I can do is be here for him, stay here with him, show him by being here just how much I care and how much he matters.

I'll keep asking him to talk. But not every time he looks upset, no matter how much it might pain me. If I twitch after him every single time, it'll just push him further away.

I take the glass off him and set it back down, then kiss him on the forehead. "Go to sleep," I say warmly.

[redgreeed]

My eyes close at the kiss to my forehead, and I breathe a shaky sigh.

"You shouldn't love me." I whisper, maybe too low for him to hear, and then move to settle back down on the bed, facing the wall.

Part of me wants him to crawl in behind me again, wrap his arms around me and hold me until I fall asleep. Part of me knows he shouldn't have anything to do with me.

I hold the bear close to my chest, its head tucked up under my chin. It doesn't smell new anymore,. It smells like this place. This bed. It smells like Eiji (and me?) and like home.

When did this place become home? When did I start nesting?

[hinooo]

I tchh at him. Not his decision, and how could I not love him anyway? I mean, really, he is wonderful, and he is my Ankh.

That's all there is to it.

I slip in behind him again. I'll pull away if he makes it plain that he wants me to, but what I want is to hold him. For his sake, and mine.

I worm an arm under his head, smiling at the feel of his hair, so soft, so like feathers, sometimes. I wrap my other arm over his stomach, and fit myself closely to him, along his back. My heart beats against his spine.

This is where I belong.

Where he belongs, too. I hope.