[Mushverse] For Eiji

[redgreeed]

I stumble into the restaurant, long after the sun has set, after the place has closed. I giggle when the door bangs behind me, and watch it as it swings shut, as it locks itself. I used to always go in through the window, but now I find I can't reach it, no matter how agile I'm feeling.

I trip on something, maybe just the floor, and halfway fall into a table, laughing sharp and shrill as I do. I smack it once with my hand, the same way I smacked Kazari on the shoulder and declared we'd always be brothers, even though neither of us are Greeeds anymore.

That was around the third bottle of sake, after my cheeks went numb, and before my fingers and toes joined them. He's a good cat, he made sure none of my food had any bird meat in it.

And he made sure I got home without wandering off and trying to climb any trees. Well, no more than he tried to.

Oh.

The room is spinning.

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[hinooo]

"Oh!" I say, cursing myself. His voice is so raw. I press my lips to the back of his hair. "You sound awful. I'll get you water and, um, probably aspirin would be good if you think you can swallow a pill. Just a minute!"

I jump up and return swiftly, setting the glass and pills down on the table. "Let me help you sit."

[redgreeed]

He rushes off suddenly, with words of water and aspirin. And I'm grateful, despite my shame, that he cares for me so.

I should be better for him, he deserves so much more than me.

When he comes back I manage to sit up enough to drink on my own, and carefully accept the pill and glass from him. I stare at the tiny pill a moment, my thoughts trying to go all deep.

When I was Greeed, the only pain I knew was longing, and no pill could fix that.

Stop it, Ankh.

I take the pill and drink several gulps of water, then murmur as aloud a thanks as I can manage.

[hinooo]

His eyes go really far away when I give him the pill. I can't reach him.

I'm not going to try, for the moment, though. It won't help. All I can do is be here for him, stay here with him, show him by being here just how much I care and how much he matters.

I'll keep asking him to talk. But not every time he looks upset, no matter how much it might pain me. If I twitch after him every single time, it'll just push him further away.

I take the glass off him and set it back down, then kiss him on the forehead. "Go to sleep," I say warmly.

[redgreeed]

My eyes close at the kiss to my forehead, and I breathe a shaky sigh.

"You shouldn't love me." I whisper, maybe too low for him to hear, and then move to settle back down on the bed, facing the wall.

Part of me wants him to crawl in behind me again, wrap his arms around me and hold me until I fall asleep. Part of me knows he shouldn't have anything to do with me.

I hold the bear close to my chest, its head tucked up under my chin. It doesn't smell new anymore,. It smells like this place. This bed. It smells like Eiji (and me?) and like home.

When did this place become home? When did I start nesting?

[hinooo]

I tchh at him. Not his decision, and how could I not love him anyway? I mean, really, he is wonderful, and he is my Ankh.

That's all there is to it.

I slip in behind him again. I'll pull away if he makes it plain that he wants me to, but what I want is to hold him. For his sake, and mine.

I worm an arm under his head, smiling at the feel of his hair, so soft, so like feathers, sometimes. I wrap my other arm over his stomach, and fit myself closely to him, along his back. My heart beats against his spine.

This is where I belong.

Where he belongs, too. I hope.