dinohouse | YOU ARE NOW ALL AQUARIUM FISH.

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YOU ARE NOW ALL AQUARIUM FISH.

Welcome to the office fishtank of P. Sherman, dentist. P. Sherman is a generally well-meaning sort of man, meticulous about the upkeep of the large 50-gallon tank which boasts a broad and colorful range of fish and sea creatures. It's a lovely magic tank where little things like "salt water" or "freshwater" don't matter so much, and P. Sherman has taken advantage of this fact by including a mix of species that almost guarantee that the children in his waiting room will be treated to a live demonstration on Basic Maths: Subtraction & Division.

YOU ARE ONE OF THE FISH IN THIS TANK. ICON UP AND POST AWAY.

Do you remember you were not always a fish?

Might you have grand plans of clogging the tank filter and escaping into the open sea, where a fish of your glorious purpose WAS MEANT TO BE?

P. Sherman doesn't care, and there's fishes round these parts who would sooner see you lunch than successful in your goals.

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[Feeshco is the baddest crowntail crimson prince betta feesh in this tank or any other tank, you better believe it]

[Nobody swaggers like the crowntail swaggers, motherfuckers. Lookit this ~~afghan~~ tail ruff swayin' in the current. You just wish you were as fabulous as this bitch right here.]

[Swimmin right along, just struttin around so everyone can see my--]

[HOLY FUCK FUK U, OTHER BETTA. YOU GET OUT OF MY TANK. YOU GET THE FUK OUT OF MY TANK, YOU OTHER CROWNTAIL CRIMSON PRINCE BETTA FEE--]

[--eeeeesh, I did it again. Shit. Did anyone see that? Fuck. Nobody better have seen that.]

[I was just checking my reflection in the tank wall. Just primping in the mirror. That was totally all.]

[I don't even like that betta. He thinks he's pretty bad ass, with the red and all.

But he doesn't have tentacles, so he pretty much sucks in comparison to my magnificence.]

[Strut strut strut. Nobody struts like this motherfucker and damn i don't even have LEGS.]

[Suck on that, boring little tetras and platys and ugh, goldfish, just. Stop breathing the same water as me. If I call you boring, it's an insult to the boring fish community.]

[I kind of wish I had another betta to hang out with though. Nobody else can understand how FUKIN AWESOME I am except other bettas. Sure, I'd probably have to bite all his fins short so he didn't distract anyone from my magnificence, and then he'd look like a ladyfish, but I like pretty boys.]

[Like myself. I am totally going to do a zip around this tank at the fastest speed I can totally manage because I CAN and everyfish on the other end hasn't seen me for at least ten minutes.]

[But i'm not getting anywhere near that coral. Oh my god, if I snagged a fin. Can't have that.]

[Okay here we go. One two

[THUD]

[The fuk you doing here, squiggly? Get out of my way.]

[Putain! Seriously, this is too much. I bet he would freak out if I grabbed him.

Okay so I will.

Grab the fuck out of his fancy traily taily. Suck on that, betta. I'm the boss, it comes with having arms.]

[omfg no you DIDN'T. You slimy little squid twisty THING.

I'mma bite your stupid arm so hard you'll wish your momma ate your egg before you hatched. ]

[I am not even having to put up with this. Does he even have teeth? Why is he fucking biting me, okay, I should be eating him. I could be eating him. Beak, motherfucker, try and swim when I take a snap out of your fancy fin.]

[Holy--

[What in the. I am so offended. No fish has ever been more offended in the history of WATER.

[I am so headed up toward the surface where you and your freaky arms can't REACH and you cut off one of my spines. YOU CUT OFF ONE OF MY FIN SPINES.

[I can't even. I can't. LIFE IS NOT WORTH LIVING but I can't even beach myself because I can breathe air too

[FML]

[Oh look he's all. Pathetic now. Poor guy. I contemplate hitting him with some ink, just to reassure him that, yes, I am in fact better than you, and I have all eight legs still to prove it, but...]

So, like, you're done fucking with me, oui?

[I hear the stupid squiggly thing talking at me, but I have to stick my head back into the water to hear.]

Fucking with YOU? Tch. You got in MY way.

[This is intolerable.]

[Hey, look who can shrug, four times, simultaneously. This fab bitch, is who.]

I was just swimming, you're the one who seriously bashed into me. You got what you deserved, you know, or did you not know that I have a beak?

[I think he's a little stupid, to be honest. I bet he thinks I'm a squid. But, you know what, squids have beaks too.]

[I do not even have the WORDS right now but I canNOT let him get the last word but I can't BEAT him and. Ugh. I hate this squiggly. I hate him so much.]

So I crash into you, or you into me or WHATEVER, and then it's my fault that you grab me and start mauling my fins? Tch, you obviously have some anger issues.

[I contemplate getting chompymouth down here to make him eat squiggly. But that would involve assuming that chompymouth has a brain, and that he won't take another bite out of ME first.]

[Fuck.]

[I think I would blink at him if I had eyelids.]

Okay but you're missing the point. You crashed into me, right. That happened. I pulled on your tail, whatever. You bit me first, though. That happened. Just because it didn't hurt doesn't mean you didn't start it.

[Scoot, scoot. Yeah, fuck it. I shoot some ink in his general direction too.]

Bitch.

[Okay now I'm pissed.

[Pissed-er. I am SO following his stupid squiggly ass, and he obviously underestimates how mfuckin fast a betta can stir up ALL the water. The ink's not as big a problem as he thinks.]

So you assault fish for fun and then blame them when they try to get the fuck away from you, hnn? You could have just told me to watch my damn fins and left it at that.

[He's still scooting so I'm gonna keep on following him. There is no way he is right about this.]

Bitch yourself, Squiggles. What was I supposed to do, let you dangle me upside down and ask nicely?

[I can ink more than that, I mean, hello, defense mechanism. But if he wants to think he's some kind of super grand predator, that's fine, whatever.]

Okay you are really missing the point where you assaulted me first, you just can't do it properly.

Like, that's why I have arms. That's why God put me in the water, to be in charge.

[...Right. Okay. My cheek fins are completely puffed up now, I'm so pissed off, but I'm pinning my top fin and down because if this bitch wants a fight, I'll give him one.]

"God" put you in the water because you can't breathe air, Squiggles.

Except, there is no such thing as a God who metes out fairness and appropriate placements. If there were, you would have a stick in the top of your head and you'd be squeegeeing the walls of this tank.

[I may be smaller and floofier and generally less-possessed of a beak or arms, but I am NO less fabulous for any of those deficits, and seriously, if he wants me to play hardball, I can play hardball. Just, not the same kind that he and his freaky arms were.]

Are you... are you trying to fight me?

[I poke him in the end of his nose with one tentacle, because come on, guy. Don't start stuff you can't finish.

He is seriously oblivious, but I am definitely not. I scoot deeper into the tank, because I'm not keen on claws today.]

I am TRYING to debate you into realizing how stupid you are. Isn't that obvious?

[I drift back a bit when he pokes my nose. That's. Embarrassing.]

[He's running away from me again, so I'm gonna follow again. FWISH goes the big shiny red fins.]

You are not getting rid of me that easily.

That's really not how debating works.

You know this huge head is not just for show, right? There is massive brain in here.

[Scoot, scoot, scoot. A little bit of ink, too, oops. Under the rocks, there's the ticket.]

I'm not trying to get rid of you. If I was trying to get rid of you, I'd just kill you, dude. For real.

[Ugh. This is getting veeery tiresome and I really don't want to test him enough to make him kill me for real.]

[Even tho I kinda hate to admit it, this guy is kinda...well, I wish I had as much to back up my completely justifiable ego as he does to back up his somewhat less fabulous ego. It's not fair he got all the cool evolutionary toys.]

[I'm headed off somewhere not here. Just about anywhere would work.]

[Oh, wait. Chompymouth is following me? FML.]

[connect from here to Chompy at 2012-05-20 23:56 ]

[Swim, swim.

Oh a rock, excellent.

Maybe I can find some nice female turtles up there.]

[half of a very pathetic red betta fish flops up onto the rock you climbed onto]

[the other half is attempting to drown his sorrows in the water, then the air, then the water]

[it's not working]

[What on earth?

Or rather, the sea, as I don't quite think this... this, is a master of the two realms. As I am.

Maybe it's food?

I chomp down on its swishiest part]

[OH MY GOD MY LIFE]

[WHY ME

[WHY TODAY

[I flop back into the water as fast as I can, smacking the chompymouth in the face with the other half of my tail, the half he's not NOMMING

[Oh ffs, now I'm swimming with a tilt on. I twist around to see the damage--

[A very pathetic puff of bubbles comes out of my gills when I see it. He's taken a full quarter of my bottom tailfin out.]

[I am just going to have to convince the dumbass yellow tangs who hang out in the corner that the swallowtail look is in this season.]

[Oh fuck, now squiggly is looking at me again.]

[The food whomps me in the face.

How Rude. And not very tasty.

I spit out the red frilly bits from my mouth, then slide off my rock and back into the water]

You looked like food.

[Chompymouth is following me. Great. I really, really am not having the best of days.]

[At least I've got my ego in check now. My tiny feesh brain is big enough for only one thing at a time, so it's either Ego or Tactics.]

Well, I'm not.

[I so don't have time for this. It's a really stupid thing to do if he decides I look like food -again-, but I floof my tail in his face again, anyway. Why do I keep getting pissed off by fish - er, and turtles - I can't beat up?]

I was having a Moment to myself, okay? You're not the only one who can breathe air here.

[Its tail is really quite fascinating. All frilly and feminine]

You seemed to be having trouble.

[Oh finally, someone SANE today]

[Minus the biting bit. That was a due to a perfectly legitimate conflict of interests, after all]

A very annoying squiggly armed thing attacked me and bit off part of my FIN. I was very distressed.

[You didn't help with that, I don't add]

[I don't really wanna get my paws wet, but I am hungry]

Heeere, fishy fishy.

Kazari wants to play~

[Totally not even noticing you right now. I am busy schooling Squiggles on critical logic failure.

[Also it's probably really lucky for me that I am too far down for you to reach unless you're willing to soak your whole arm.]

Fishy fishy~

[Do fish, like, have names?]

I just want to play.

[I swat the water a few times, but I think I'm going to have to get serious if I want sushi today.]

[I'm just a bunch of bright red flashes in the water, headed further under the rocks following Squiggles. I'm really attention getting, but not easy to get.

Try the yellow tangs in the corner. They're stupid.]

[Hmm. Yellow fish? Well, alright, but just one.]

[No, seriously, though, red bits. Red is good. I lick my chops clean of the remainder of the yellow fish and then turn my attention back to the flitty red bits. I can almost reach.]

[Now that I'm conversing with Chompy, I am not under the rocks.]

[The water above us is swishing interestingl--

[FUCK MY LIFE IT'S THE CAT GET IN THE CORAL

[But the coral's too far away and I always snag things and my tail needs time to HEAL before I can do that and not bleed more and FML I am just going to hide under Chompy. He's far enough off the bottom of the tank. And he's claw-resistant on top. This is fine.]

[I don't really care what he has to say about this. I can only beat the cat when it's watching me through the glass and I puff up and scare the bejesus out of it. Its claws are a completely different matter.]

[Dude is dodging like crazy.]

Fishy, I don't want to eat you!

[Lying liar who lies.]

Fishy I just want to play.

Not with the turtle, dude, turtle doesn't play nice.

Uh-huh right. Let's resume this conversation after you're not made of sharp parts and stupid Gojira size teeth.

[Not BUDGING from under Chompy. He at least apologised. Kind of.]

[WHAT is that supposed to mean, is he calling my teeth fat or something? Insulted.]

I'm really not that hungry I promise.

[I totally am, that yellow thing really did nothing to take the edge off.]

Yo, turtle, could you, like, shift a bit to the left or something?

[I like to think me and turtle are bros.]

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YOU ARE NOW ALL AQUARIUM FISH.

Fish Basco = FEESHCO

ENTERPUS

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URA TURTLE

Re: URA TURTLE

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