"Gotou..." I can't help how helpless I sound. I know saying his name one more time won't change his mind, or let him see what I'm trying to tell him, why I had to tell him, not Satonaka-chan or Kougami-san. Why I had to tell Gotou.
My aibou.
Abruptly, like a slow cold shiver up my back, I realize that today I've been forgetting to use his honorific. Just saying, 'Gotou,' not 'Gotou-chan.'
Well then. That puts things a bit more in focus.
Hino, you better be right about this.
"Gotou...chan," I begin, trying to keep my focus narrow, trying to focus on what I want to say, which is hard when I'm not sure that I even need to say it, not certain that I couldn't have just taken this to my grave with me, except, now Gotou-chan knows why I'm thinking about my grave already at this point in my life, and I'm not entirely as okay with it as I've said to him but that's because I thought I'd lived my life without regrets of any kind, and I have, for the most part, but...
"There's...something else, that I was thinking about telling you,"
...but there's one thing, now, one little thing that shouldn't matter like it does, that shouldn't make everything else that has been said and done feel so much less important by comparison...
"Something I'm fairly certain you don't have a strong desire to hear,"
...but it does, and if I'm going to tell Gotou-chan I'm dying, I'd better tell him why I haven't been myself since I came back.
"At least from me."
"I was selfish to tell you about the...about my situation," I continue, clasping his hand tightly. "It's going to cause you so much worry you didn't need to feel. And I'm sorry about that.
"I've got...one more selfishness to lay upon you, Gotou-chan, and then I'll be done, and you can call Satonaka-chan to get us out and I'll go buy you the biggest oden ever, or, no, something else, you don't even like oden that much, but..."
I glance up, meeting his eyes. "Can you bear one more bit of simple-headed selfishness from me, aibou?"
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2012-10-01 01:26 am (UTC)My aibou.
Abruptly, like a slow cold shiver up my back, I realize that today I've been forgetting to use his honorific. Just saying, 'Gotou,' not 'Gotou-chan.'
Well then. That puts things a bit more in focus.
Hino, you better be right about this.
"Gotou...chan," I begin, trying to keep my focus narrow, trying to focus on what I want to say, which is hard when I'm not sure that I even need to say it, not certain that I couldn't have just taken this to my grave with me, except, now Gotou-chan knows why I'm thinking about my grave already at this point in my life, and I'm not entirely as okay with it as I've said to him but that's because I thought I'd lived my life without regrets of any kind, and I have, for the most part, but...
"There's...something else, that I was thinking about telling you,"
...but there's one thing, now, one little thing that shouldn't matter like it does, that shouldn't make everything else that has been said and done feel so much less important by comparison...
"Something I'm fairly certain you don't have a strong desire to hear,"
...but it does, and if I'm going to tell Gotou-chan I'm dying, I'd better tell him why I haven't been myself since I came back.
"At least from me."
"I was selfish to tell you about the...about my situation," I continue, clasping his hand tightly. "It's going to cause you so much worry you didn't need to feel. And I'm sorry about that.
"I've got...one more selfishness to lay upon you, Gotou-chan, and then I'll be done, and you can call Satonaka-chan to get us out and I'll go buy you the biggest oden ever, or, no, something else, you don't even like oden that much, but..."
I glance up, meeting his eyes. "Can you bear one more bit of simple-headed selfishness from me, aibou?"