Tokusatsu musebox

The curtain goes up on the rakugo club's latest performance. I have four of the biggest, heaviest club members (this is not saying much. We're a weedy bunch) guarding the doors, all locked.

We've got one of those boards up on the stage with a poster advertising the title, revealed today: The Tragic Tale of Tatsumori-chan. There were a few noises from the audience, a few attempts to get to the doors. So I think some of them have guessed who Tatsumori-chan is. He's waiting in the wings as I make my entrance, prized fan in my hand where it belongs, and sit on the platform in the middle.

"Ladies and gentlemen! Today, we of the rakugo club have decided to branch out a little. Because when the plums on your tree dry, it's time to prune the wood."

No one laughs. Pathetic.

"The show we'll be performing for you is not our typical performance, but a collaboration with the drama club. And there will be a little bit of magic involved, too! Aren't you excited? So step right up for The Tragic Tale of Tatsumori-chan!"

That's the cue of two other club members to drag in Yamada, who's writhing, spitting, attempting to scratch. Good thing I tied him up. And I'm sure the Lepus Switch will come in useful to someone somewhere at some point.

"This here is Tatsumori-chan. Maybe you recognise him from the drama club, or just from his stupid hair. Which is quite fitting for him, because Tatsumori-chan is a very stupid person. What does he have in common with an ice sheet? They both grow from the bottom up!"

Still no laughter.

"Now, back when he was just trying to steal our rehearsal time for his club, maybe I could have forgiven him - but then he got his hands on a Switch. This one." I hold up Lepus, "He thought it would be easy for him to get rid of me and take my place. He was wrong." Went down easier than Fourze. "And some of my friends weren't happy about that at all." I wave my hand majestically. That's the cue of someone else to dim the lights as Virgo enters from the wings.

I pause for a minute to enjoy the audience reaction. Sobs, gasps, tears, people clinging to each other? Yes to all of those, "So, ladies and gentlemen, we got him to very kindly agree to take part in our show. Watch as we make Tatsumori-chan ... disappear!"

There's a loud explosion and a puff of smoke. They're actually effects that we laid on ourselves, because Virgo doesn't do it. But it worked. Yamada's gone, and some of the audience is actually crying and screaming.

"I'm sure there's no need for me to tell you not to be like Tatsumori-chan, now, is there? I think you all know what I'm talking about. And I would also like to remind you that texting in the audience really annoys the performer."

Someone at the back of the room drops their phone. I'd do something about them, but Cancer is calling to me. And if they were getting anxious before, well. The curtain's not down yet.

"Have a nice day."

I press the Switch.