[Aibouverse, circa ep34 canon: open to AU Go-Busters, particularly seeking Masato and/or 'iromu~]

[silverpleather]

If it had been my decision, I probably wouldn't have told the others about Masato's... not entirely helpful coping mechanism. I've seen it before, of course, his tendency to make a joke out of anything that upsets him.

I've been the subject more than not in the past thirteen years, but this is something different entirely.

I had every intention of going after him on my own and dealing with him and the stupid Puppetroid, but Jueki put paid to that by telling the entire group what was going on before I got a chance.

Hopefully I'll still get a chance to talk to him alone. Even if I have to drag him to the subdimension to do it.

Comments

[goldenikemen]

I glance at him, just briefly, then look down at his jacket, staring at it like it's a physical representation of the distance between us, the years and the trails that we weren't able to share.

"Did I ever trust anyone else with that kind of thing?" I say, smiling somewhat bitterly. "How many times did you have to physically drag me away from my desk, or persuade me to let someone else handle something minor that didn't actually need my direct attention?"

I nod at his comment about Emi. "In some ways, yeah, in others he seems years older than I am, was, am supposed to be."

[loveenetronkurorin]

He looks down at my jacket. I keep my face as still as I can.

...thirteen years, and he's still that hopeless. I raise an eyebrow, trying to disguise the shattering inside me. "If you know how ridiculous that is, then you know what you need to do."

I hate that I can't just do it for him. I hate that I can't grouse at him until he takes a goddamn nap, or eats the sandwich I brought him.

"You're an adult, Jin. You've done so much. But part of accepting that you're needed, is accepting that you have limits, and if you go too far past them you might not be able to meet other people's needs."

It's a hard, horrible lesson to learn, and it's one I still have to learn frequently. But if I have to lecture him to try to get him to have the closest thing he can have to sleep, then I'll lecture him until the sun comes up, goes down, comes up again. I do not care.

"He seems like a smart kid. He'll get his chance,' I say quietly. Even if he has to start all over here as physically eleven.

[goldenikemen]

I pick his jacket up and move it on the railing so that it's resting in front of me, keeping my eyes on it as I play with the buttons pinned to it, the ID card dangling on its clip.

I want to know what it feels like, if the fabric us rough and starched or smooth and pliable. I want to know if his scent clings to it. Want to know what he scent is now. If it's changed, if he wears cologne. If he smokes enough now that the smell lingers.

Maybe I'll never know these things. Maybe I'm kidding myself that we can ever bring our bodies back.

I shift, sliding the short distance along the railing until I'm leaning into his side. It doesn't actually help much, but maybe he needs the contact as much as I crave it.

[loveenetronkurorin]

I watch with growing unease as he touches my jacket. He's on the verge of tears, or would be, if he could cry in this form.

And that's the problem, isn't it.

I've seen him this low a few times. But only when it's been something I can actually help with. He needs food, sleep? Fine, I can growl at him until he eats what I brought him. Fine, I can carry him -- sometimes literally -- off to bed.

He needs to be rescued from wherever the hell he actually is?

...I can't do that.

He's done so much, and he needs help, and I can't help him.

He moves along the railing and butts into me. I slip an arm around him automatically, and just as automatically, I tuck his head under my chin. Protective, caring.

Just about useless.

[goldenikemen]

He draws me closer, and tucks my head under his chin. Just like how he used to comfort me in the past. And I want, I want so so badly, to take comfort in the gesture.

I want to just give in and cry quietly against him. Like I'd only done maybe twice in the past, and once was just from hysterical sleep deprivation, over caffeination, and malnourishment. The other time was over a death in my family, someone I should have been closer to, but never took the opportunity to really know, thanks to my work.

I lean into him, pretending I can feel his warmth, hear the steady beat of his heart. I shake, trembling like I am crying, and my avatar wavers slightly again.

"I'm scared, Kurorin." My voice is surprisingly even, if soft and small.

[loveenetronkurorin]

...two. Just two other times.

He lost his shit after doing the impossible, one time. His direct supervisor was an idiot. I'll never regret when he left. He didn't drive Jin into the ground -- well, mostly -- but he didn't take care of his staff well enough. Didn't keep an eye on workloads, just expected work to be done. Didn't watch out for geniuses who don't mind imperfections but can't stand unfinished work.

I'd been flat out with my own work, that time, with security arrangements for a VIP visit, working too long hours myself, and I hadn't caught on that Jin hadn't even had the brief breaks that I'd managed to grab for myself.

His supervisor should've known.

I might've shoved him against a wall and growled in his face, after I got Jin settled, that time.

The other time was harder. His relative. I had to do my own research to find out just who. It was difficult enough to get even that much out of him, but when he'd just spent an hour crying himself to sleep against me, I'd figured it was necessary that I find out what'd happened.

I hadn't been able to help so much, that time. But at least I'd been able to be there, with him. At least he'd been able to sleep, while I watched over him, and then slept beside him.

Can't do any of that, this time.

My eyes close briefly at his words, and I squeeze him a little more tightly. "Of course you are," I say, as calmly as possible. I'm sure he still has an idea of just how fucking tense I am underneath. Even after thirteen years he still reads me better than anyone else. But it's important that he sees both, anyway. Important that he knows that it's all right to be scared, that I'm worried, too, but that I'll help us both control it so we can find solutions.

"Anyone would be scared." My other arm comes up around him. My voice is a low rumble in my chest. "But you have the rest of us again, now, and we'll help you. I won't let you vanish, Jin. We'll help you."

[sorry this is so short :(]

[goldenikemen]

He offers me more comfort, another arm around me, steadying. I want to find solace in his arms. I want to sleep beside him again, let his fingers in my hair lull me to sleep.

But I can't. And I may never be able to again.

"I'm more worried about Emi." I confess, honestly. "He deserves to know life in his own skin."

is fine <333

[loveenetronkurorin]

"He does, and he will," I return, not missing the subject change. He's forever been like this. Will let out something of his needs, but then we have to move onto another topic.

I don't blame him. And it's better than breaking down entirely.

But oh, Jin...

"Just give us time." My voice is a rumble in my chest, and I wish we were lying in my bed right now, his head on my chest while my fingers run through his hair. Him teasing me about the feel of my breath, my heartbeat, my voice under his ear.

[goldenikemen]

"Dunno how much time we've got." I shake my head and sigh.

"And you guys have too much on your plate to make us top priority. So." I pull back from him finally, half reluctantly, half running away from the reminder that I can't really take comfort in his touch.

I lean forward on the railing again, hands still tangled up in his jacket. I should leave, head back to my lab, call it a night. I'm not sure where Emi is, maybe he's still with Hiromu and the others, or maybe he's gone back already.

I don't really want to be alone.

[loveenetronkurorin]

I fold my arms, missing him against me. He wasn't actually warm, not as such, but he was... reflecting my warmth back at me, and I just.

Miss

I miss

I miss having him in my arms.

"Our priorities aren't up to you," I rumble at him. "Don't underestimate what we can do, Jin."

[goldenikemen]

"I'm not underestimating you." I shake my head, hair falling to cover half my face, hiding me a little. "I'm just being realistic."

There are only so many things they can do in the time given to them. Maybe once they've won, once things have settled, we can focus on getting me and Emi out of the Subdimension.

But not until then. I won't allow it. I won't distract them.

"I should be going."

[loveenetronkurorin]

He's doing it again.

Closing off.

"All right," I surrender, for the moment. "Don't think this means you've won, Jin Masato. You'll be back in the morning for the meeting?"

[goldenikemen]

I look up at him, a crooked smile on my lips. Recovered, at least for now.

Back behind my walls.

"Oh course, Kurorin. Wouldn't miss it."

I waver, hesitating. Then, on a whim, I lift myself up a bit, and press my false lips against his warm ones. I don't linger, just brush.

And then I'm gone.

[loveenetronkurorin]

He's managing again. Guarded, grinning.

I'm drawing up my own shields, my own mantle of base commander, when he kisses me.

My fingers fly to my lips as he disappears.

Dammit, Jin...