Mushball universe, anyone who'd like to talk to Jou

[yellowlion]

I sit on the grass in our rear yard, legs crossed, and try to let myself sink into a meditative state. I don't do this very often. It's usually helpful, when I do.

I had the oddest feeling when I first met Joe, that I'd met him before. That this was meant to happen, in some way. Except he should've been wearing a blue leather jacket, and he was in tears, in my lab. Not a shy, troubled schoolkid convinced everything was his fault.

I pushed it aside as a stupid dream. When you have weird-ass dreams all the time anyway it's only too easy to assign meaning to them later.

But now? Now I'm beginning to wonder.

Comments

[gibken]

For the first time since moving into this particular house, I find myself reluctant to go home. Not because I don't want to be around my family, because obviously I do. I'd rather be with them than with virtual strangers, that's for damn sure, my memory (memories?) be damned.

But I'm not sure if I can handle another round of 'think about it carefully' and 'it's your decision' and 'we love you and support whatever you decide'. I don't want to decide anything. Even if I'm not actually a high school kid, I still feel like one. I wasn't even ready to start making decisions about what I wanted to study at university, much less seriously life-altering decisions like 'stay at home with your loving parents or go back to being a pirate'.

But I think everyone involved would have a heart attack if I just disappeared onto the moon forever, so I drag myself home.

[yellowlion]

Boys have gone in. I'm sitting here, still, looking up at the late afternoon sun, trying to figure out these *memories*.

There's a sound, and I blink lazily, turning. I break into a smile, though it'd be hard not to see the worry in my eyes. "Joe."

[gibken]

Jou's sitting outside, so there goes my feeble hope for some peace and quiet. But he looks so sad and, damn it, he's my dad.

I cross the yard to sit beside him. "Your fake smile is so obvious."

[yellowlion]

I give a mostly genuine laugh at that, and lean sideways to bump my shoulder against his. "Oh, c'mon. I'm completely opaque to people who don't know me as well as you do. Completely opaque."

[gibken]

"Hardly." I gripe, managing a weak grin in return. "Anyone who has ever seen your real smile, even once, would know in a second whether you were faking. It's all in your eyes." I say pointedly. I can tell he wants to talk about... everything, and I'm thinking he's probably trying not to for my sake, whatever that's supposed to mean.

Screw that. I need my parents right now. Even if it is all a dream.

[yellowlion]

"I'll remember to wear sunglasses next time," I say gravely, then I realise my arm's around him and I'm hugging him, hard.

[gibken]

"Or you could just smile right." I huff, but then he's hugging me and I break. I go limp against him and I press my forehead to his shoulder and I'm so tired of crying, but I can't make it stop. I don't think this is how I'm supposed to be, either of me.

[yellowlion]

My other arm comes up around him automatically, and he leans into me, burying his face in my shoulder. I hold him tight, and kiss the top of his head.

"I don't want you to go," I admit softly, reluctantly, into his hair. "In case you didn't know already."

[gibken]

"Could have fooled me." I grumble. I'm not really hurt, and I really didn't think they wanted to see me go. But they obviously thought it would be better for me if they left it completely up to me.

"I don't want to have to make this decision. You're my family."

[yellowlion]

I sigh miserably. "I've been trying to step back and give you space. Hard enough to be in your position anyway, without all this space pirate stuff on top of everything else. I'm sorry."

I nod, feeling bittersweet pleasure at that. "We don't want you to go. You belong here just as much as the rest of us, and if I could ethically put my foot down as your foster father, I would."

With a sigh, I move forward a little so I can hold him better. "We'll always be your family, whatever you decide. You'll always have a place with us." I pfft at myself, for being so inconsistent. "But don't decide to go. Stay."

[gibken]

"I figured." I admit with a little sigh. They just wanted me not to feel pressured, not to have to decide either way.

"Can you tell me more?" I ask, wanting to square what Don told me with what I've remembered on my own, and maybe learn some new things. "I'm... I'm trying to figure everything out. Figure out how..." My throat closes for a second. "How much of it is real."

[yellowlion]

I disengage from him, but stay on the grass, only a few inches from him. I can't stop looking at him. My boy. My beautiful, brave, wonderful boy.

I reach out and squeeze his shoulder. "Ah, there's a problem," I say ruefully. "My memories aren't quite what they were. But I'll do what I can."

[gibken]

I frown at that, looking up at him, glancing down at his hand on my shoulder and then reaching out to complete the circle, grabbing his shoulder in turn. "What do you mean?"

I tighten my grip on him because I can feel my fingers starting to tremble. There was exactly one thing I was sure of, and it was this, my life since coming to live with them. Maybe I was different, or fake, or whatever, but they loved me, they loved Katsumi and Kazari and each other, and that I was sure of.

[yellowlion]

I'm not quite sure why that's panicked him, exactly. "I think you and I met before all of this," I say gently. "I don't know if this'll make you feel better or worse, but I don't want to hide it from you. I talked it through with Megumi before."

I don't like the way his fingers are trembling on my shoulder, and I want to pull him into another hug, but it's not like that will fix everything. I'm here, if he wants to hug me. "I don't have any problems with my memories after that. What did you want to know, son?"

[gibken]

"How..." I don't think I really want to know. "You mean when I was..." I don't want to say 'a pirate'. It sounds stupid, even if it is true. "Never mind."

I take a shaky breath. I don't want to cry again, so I'm not going to. I do keep my hold on his shoulder, though, just to ground me. "I don't know, for sure. I guess I'm just wondering. About all of it. I want to know everything, and no one will tell me anything clearly because they're scared I might. Die or explode or something."

[yellowlion]

I nod, because what he means is fairly obvious even if he's not up to saying it.

"Ah. Okay. I may not be the best person to ask, in that way. I don't know all the things that might... make you die, or explode. But I can tell you what I remember about meeting you, if that helps."

My voice is gentle. "Do *you* think you might die, or explode? Are you up to pushing this, to see how far you can take it?"

[gibken]

"I don't understand how any of it can be that dangerous." I grumble, running my free hand through my hair, probably messing it up all to hell and back. "They're all my memories, aren't they? Even if they're... under other memories, or whatever."

I look down, and notice there's a spot where the grass has been all pulled up. I wonder who did that. "I have to know. I have to start putting it together."

[yellowlion]

"I wish I knew," I admit. "I don't know anything about psychological trauma."

He spies the place where Megumi destroyed the grass, and I cough, hoping he won't ask. Okay, good. "Let's see. I don't have it all back. There was a day when I rescued a baby in a pram, and there," I smile, "there was a young man there with a young woman, who got to it at the same time as I did."

Now, what happened next? "The young man was in a blue jacket. His friend was in pink. They fought off Zangyack, then we talked about something I don't quite recall, and I... I gave you my approval."

[gibken]

I sit back, finally releasing his shoulder and folding my hands on my own lap, listening to him explain. I can tell by the way he's piecing his words together that he's remembering as he speaks, the same way I've been doing for the last day or so. What happened to him? What happened to me?

"Blue jacket. I wore a blue jacket in my dream." I confirm. And there was a girl in pink, too.

I pause, blinking a few times. "No, that can't be right." Zangyack triggered something, but nothing clear, nothing concise, nothing I'm confident about. "Why were we fighting Zangyack? I was a part of Zangyack." That was the military I was involved in, the time that I shared with, I guess, the real version of Sid-sempai. Don wasn't there, then.

[yellowlion]

"I fought, too," I nod, realising. "Megumi and Yuusuke yelled at me about it later."

He remembers the jacket, okay, that's something. "You -- hm." I frown. "You must've left Zangyack by then? Because we were talking about a plot by Zang-"

Oh. Oh oh oh. The blueprints. I stare at him. "Barizorg," I say softly, tentatively.

[gibken]

"Left?" That makes sense, I suppose. Left Zangyack, to become a pirate. Because the Captain definitely wasn't military. Don either. Just... just me, so, you know. As if I didn't stand out enough as it is.

"Barizorg?" I repeat softly, and my voice cracks around the name, because it's not familiar, my it fits in my mouth like it maybe should be. Like I've said it fairly often. Like it was important for some reason. "What's that?"

[yellowlion]

Fuck.

That must be the source of his 'older friend who died' memory. I stare at him wordlessly, then reach out and gather him into a hug. "Your friend," I murmur, hoping this won't be the moment that triggers his complete meltdown. "We talked about his soul."

[gibken]

I startle a little when he reaches for me, hugs me. So it's not a good memory, obviously, though I could kind of figure that out by the sense of dread that settles low in my stomach when I think the name, or word, or whatever, again. Barizorg.

"My friend?" I didn't have a lot of them. I know that, neither version of me had a lot of friends. Don is one commonality. Sid is apparently another. And I know he's not talking about Don.

Something rises up inside my and I'm not sure if I'm about to be sick or if I'm about to start crying again.

[yellowlion]

"Yeah." I'm silent, trying to think how to raise it, not like I know his full story myself. His voice is thick and I wish we didn't have to talk about this, but wishing is no use. "He was... changed, by Zangyack."

[gibken]

I pull away sharply and shake my head and lift both hands to grip my hair. "No. I don't want to talk about this anymore." I don't mean to snap at him, and I know he's only trying to help. But I can't even start to address the memories he's hinting at, because even coming this close is threatening to overwhelm. Guilt, all there is there is guilt. My fault, my fault, it was my fault. What happened to Sid-sempai. And I don't want to know.

"Something else. Can we talk about something else?"