[Mushverse: Ankh and Eiji, also open to other Greeed]

[catcameback]

I'm not a total jerk. Ankh asked me to tell him if I found out about any of the others coming back the way we did.

I could just call, I guess, I have a phone and I know how to use it and it would be easy enough to find the number for that crazy restaurant they live in.

But I'm restless. Lots of stuff has been happening at home lately, and I kind of feel like if I don't give myself something to do, I might go out and start a fight. With the stupid guy who kidnapped Katsumi, or that stupid pirate jerk who screwed up Joe's entire state of being, or... God, the list is endless.

But I don't want to, so I look up the address to Cous Coussier and walk there instead, toying with my Switch as I walk. Not pressing it, just sort of rolling it between my fingers, and wondering whether I should tell any of the other Greeed about it.

Comments

[catcameback]

"Is it going to be a party?" I ask curiously. I do like parties. "Can there be fish?"

Oh, wait, probably not. Mezool might not like that. And no poultry either. I drop my chin to the table again to pout. "What are we supposed to eat if we all get together?"

My eyes flit between the two of them curiously. There's something going on there, something not entirely positive. And I think maybe it is my responsibility to make sure they stay happy. I'm the most used to being human, after all, plus my family is way awesome and if all Ankh's got is the people who are used to him being all... partial and possessing and everything, they might not understand what he needs. "It's up to you, I guess, Ankh." I say slowly. OOO was always kind of Ankh's responsibility, even way back when. Not that I wouldn't have jumped at the chance, but then again, we see how that worked out for him. Both times.

[hinooo]

In spite of my best efforts, my smile curdles on my face. I duck my head so it's not too obvious. "Okay, then," I say as cheerfully as I can manage. "I'd, um, better go finish off the cleaning. Chiyoko-san will be back soon."

I squeeze Ankh's hand on the table as I get up, then make a beeline for the kitchen. I'm not about to sob or anything, but I could use a couple minutes to wipe my eyes in peace.

[redgreeed]

I'm neither stupid nor unobservant. I can tell when Eiji's upset, even when he's trying to act like everything is still sunshine and rainbows. Come to think of it, has anything ever been sunshine and rainbows for us?

I give his hand a squeeze in return, watching him go until he disappears into the kitchen. He's upset, but I'm not about to run after him while Kazari is still here.

"I'll, uh," I look back at Kazari, clearing my throat and trying to stay focused. "I'll let you set things up. If you think there should be food or not, that's your call; you've been human the longest."

[catcameback]

Eiji actually gets up and leaves and I sigh a little, giving Ankh a look that I hope he understands means are you fucking stupid or something.

"I'll take care of it, and I'll let you know. It'll probably be at my house, okay?" I get up from the table and back towards the door. "Go make him not be all sad, he looks even stupider when he's pretending to be happy."

[hinooo]

I'm not sad exactly about Ankh not wanting me there. He's right. It'd be weird for the Greeeds even if they're all basically good people now. That's okay.

I'm worried, though. I know I can't be everything to him, and I (mostly) don't want to be. But I'm beginning to flounder. Beginning to feel like I'm losing him, and losing myself.

I need to find another way to be.

[redgreeed]

I quirk an eyebrow at the look Kazari gives me. And it makes me wonder if he really does have a better grasp on this whole human thing than the rest of us do. I wonder about him and Uva, if Uva has any idea...

I nod dumbly at his words, then wait until he leaves before I rise from the table.

I move to the door to the kitchen, hesitating with my hand on the doorknob. I falter, turning to lean back against the door, my arms crossed over my chest and my head bowed.

I don't know what to say to him. And it kills me.

[hinooo]

My head comes up at the sound of someone touching the doorknob.

I stare at it.

No one comes in.

I panic, grab the broom, and start very noisily sweeping up.

[redgreeed]

I swallow hard, turning to rest my ear against the door. I let out a shaky breath.

All I want to do is open the door and go to him and let him make me feel better.

But I don't deserve it.

I push away from the door, and make for our bedroom.

Our nest.

[hinooo]

I sweep the floor, scrub the floor, then scrub the walls, too, for good measure.

Except now I'm sweaty. I'd better shower before we open. I head for the bedroom to get clean clothes.

[redgreeed]

I fall onto the bed when I get there, feeling like there's a knife stuck in my gut. I lie on my side and curl in on myself, drawing my knees up over my chest, practically touching them to my chin.

I hold my legs. I'm not crying, not in the strictest sense. There are no tears in my eyes, but my chest hurts and I'm all shaky. I guess this is what dry sobbing is. I even cry out a few times, reaching for something to hold onto.

My hands find the bear Eiji gave me, and I wrap my arms around him, pressing my face to the top of his soft, fluffy head. The sobs slowly fade, though I still feel the pain in my chest and gut.

The door opens, my back still facing it, and I curl inward again, wrapping my being around the silly bear.

[hinooo]

Whoops. "I'll come back," I say hastily, starting to back out of the room, to give him privacy-

No. No. NO. "Ah, Ankh," I murmur in helpless empathy when I realise just what he's doing. I shut the door, then move to him swiftly, sitting down next to him to rub his back. "Tell me. Let me help."

[redgreeed]

His touch almost burns, it's so full of caring concern and he's just. He's Eiji and he's stupid and he loves me and it's scary because I don't know what I need or what I feel or even if I deserve to be alive.

I gave my existence up for him. I remember asking him to live before everything went black, yelling at him to not be stupid and save his sorry self.

I also smiled at Hina, that much I remember.

I look over my shoulder at him, I'm sure my eyes are red and dry and I must look a mess. "I don't... I don't know..."

[hinooo]

My eyes start filling when I see his. I want to help people, and I can't even help this person, possibly the most important person in the entire world.

I lean over and kiss him desperately on the forehead, cheek, lips, though the angle's awkward. "I'm sorry. I'm failing you."

[redgreeed]

I finally know what people mean when they say their heart is breaking. It's not just some poetic bullshit, not some line people can toss out like it's smoke and vapor. It's a real physical hurt and it's powerful.

"You're not," I manage, my voice all croakish and hoarse. I turn over and grab him by the hair with one hand, the other still clutching the bear.

"You're wonderful."

[hinooo]

I hate that sound to his voice. He's lost. Broken. And still trying to make me feel better.

I smile through tears when I see the bear, and wrap my arms around him. "I don't want you to be upset," I say helplessly into the side of his neck.

[redgreeed]

I hold onto him as best I can, and I'm shaking again, I can feel it. I wonder just how much I make him worry.

"I can't help it," I choke out into his hair, gripping at him. "It's not your fault though..."

[hinooo]

He's shaking. I hold him closer, wishing fiercely that things could be different.

This is why desire is wrong. Why need is wrong. It never works out right.

I'm not about to argue that point about it being my fault, and I don't really want to hear about how much he hates life with me. I know he loves me, and I don't blame him for it. I'm not helping him enough, not helping him find his purpose, a reason to get up every morning. It must be incredibly hard for him right now, when he thought everything was over but he still has to continue, has to find a reason to live.

But I need to hear it, in case there's any chance I can help him. "Tell me," I say softly. "Tell me everything. Maybe I can't help, but at least I can listen."

[redgreeed]

I grip at his hair, sighing heavily. I pull back a bit, so I can look at his face. Look into his eyes.

I don't want to talk about it. I just... I just want to feel better. And Eiji makes me feel better.

He makes me feel whole and wonderful and safe.

"It's nothing." I lie, with a smile on my lips even. I lean in and kiss him, parting his lips and exploring deeply.

Please, Eiji. Just make me feel good. Show me I'm loved and safe.

[hinooo]

His hand's in my hair, and my eyelids keep wanting to slide shut with pleasure, but I want to listen. I want to make him feel safe, and like he can tell me anything, because he can tell me anything.

Except. Except he can't even talk to me. I'm useless.

I'm not always very smart. There are things I don't know. Things I don't get, though everyone else around me seems to. But I'd have to be a complete moron to not realise he's lying.

He leans in to kiss me, and after a startled pause I kiss him back. At least I can do this, if this is what he wants. At least I can put how much I love him, how much I'm worried about him, into lips and tongues and fingers.

[redgreeed]

Eiji obliges, kissing me back, and it's good, and sweet, and full of meaning. A meaning beyond stupid words and stupid... everything. I kiss him deeply, until I run out of breath, and then I break it to breathe against his lips.

I grip at the bear he gave me and then gently set it down on the bedside table, near the lamp, before moving both my hands to Eiji, one still in his hair, the other cupping his cheek.

"You say you love me," I lick my lips, swallowing hard. I look down, at his lips, my own trembling. "Show me."

[hinooo]

I lose myself in kissing him, as much as I can. In the interplay of tongue sliding against tongue, soft gasps, softer lips.

He puts the bear down.

I surge forward, hands cradling him, easing him back onto the bed as I kiss him hungrily, desperately. I can't lose him, and if this is the only way to connect, the only way for him to feel loved, then I'll do it to the best of my ability.

[redgreeed]

He pushes me back and I settle on the bed, making myself as comfortable as possible with him pressing me down. I like it though. I like him being all encompassing.

It's like how when we were TaJaDor together, only more, and less, and more. And I can't articulate. Only kiss him in return, and grip at his hair.

"Want you," I murmur against his lips. "Only you."

I sigh. I lift my hips. I gasp.

"Always."

[hinooo]

I can only manage a groan in response. I just want him to be okay. But, failing that, I want him to feel good.

I trace the side of his face, the curve of a cheek, the cupid's bow lips.

I lean down to nudge at the collar of his shirt, and kiss the delightfully exposed skin there.

[redgreeed]

My back arches slightly as he nudges my shirt aside and kisses at bare skin. My fingers grip at his hair, kneading, tugging.

He's my everything. He's my whole world. It's not healthy, but I don't care. Why would I choose to be healthy and unhappy when I can choose to be fucked up but happy?

"Eiji," I say his name like a prayer, nuzzling into his hair and breathing in his scent.

[hinooo]

His hands are in my hair. His voice is so soft. No one says my name the way he does, whether he's yelling at me because I've done something stupid, shrieking before he tosses Medals, or murmuring it in a private moment, a sacred moment, just between us.

I suck gently at his beautiful skin, hand sneaking inside his shirt at the waist. I want him to feel good.

I need him to feel good.