for Joe

[yellowlion]

I yawn, and turn the page. It's not that late, really. I shouldn't be tired. But the house is unusually quiet and I'm finding it incredibly hard to focus on these reports.

Oh, well. I sip my coffee, then pick up my red pen again and make myself concentrate.

Comments

[gibken]

The problem is, since Basco's body showed up, since Sid-sempai became miraculously not dead but very much sleeping with Marvelous... things are happening. Memories are coming back. And I'm getting less scared.

I'm starting to get angry.

I've been playing with the little blue and black figurine from Marvelous for at least an hour now. Flipping it open to examine the silvery key shape, flipping it shut again to look at the suit.

It's too much. It's not fair.

I head downstairs, with every intent of simply leaving the house. But Jou is sitting at the table with a pile of reports, and I have to know something right then, while I have him and the memories are clear.

"Who's Gou?"

[yellowlion]

I mark my place with a finger and look up at Joe absently. "Mm? -oh, Gou? Omura Gou?"

Why's he asking about Gou?

[gibken]

The name sounds familiar. Right, I remember thinking it was odd that his name was so similar to Jou's.

I probably wasn't supposed to overhear Tetsuya's conversation, but it's too late now.

"Yeah. You... you've never mentioned him before. But he's a friend of yours, right?" My fingers tighten around the little Key in my hand. "From then. When you were Livemen. Properly, I mean. Before these happened." I hold the Key up, and I know Jou has one too, somewhere in the house. Yuusuke and Megumi too. I've seen Junichi and Tetsuya show theirs to Gai. Another thing Jou never told me.

[yellowlion]

"Haven't I mentioned him?" I ask blankly, but I can believe it. We've told the kids bits and pieces, especially when it was relevant such as when Kemp kidnapped poor Katsumi. But we've never sat them down to tell them everything.

He's holding his key, and he looks incredibly tense. "Before, during, and after, yeah," I say tentatively. "Joe, is everything okay? What's this about?"

[gibken]

"I'm starting to remember some things." My voice sounds weird. Painful and tight, like my throat doesn't want me to be speaking at all.

"Like when we met before." I tighten my fingers around the Key again. "About how your friends... your friends all died. Like Sid-sempai had to die."

[yellowlion]

"They didn't all die, though," I say worriedly. I wish I could remember that conversation properly but I only have wisps of it back. "Kemp. Mazenda. Ashura. Vega Baby. A few others," I sigh. "But not Gou, no?"

[gibken]

That's what I figured. My throat tenses again, but I don't care. I'm sick of feeling helpless.

"No." I think I might be shaking, I'm not sure. "But you didn't tell me that. You were telling me that I couldn't save my friend instead."

[yellowlion]

"That was a completely different situation," I near snap, getting to my feet. I put the pen down and force myself to straighten the papers before I turn to look at him. My voice is level, because I'm doing my damnedest to stay in control. I've been extra ratty lately, not sleeping great, and I don't want to take it out on him unfairly. However. I don't like being accused. "Joe. Is there something you want to say to me?"

[gibken]

"How?" I demand. "How was it different. How do you know? How do you know I couldn't save Sid-sempai? I killed him, you know that? I did it, by myself."

He's mad too. I don't care. I want answers, and no one will give them to me. "What about these?" I hold the Key up again. "You have one too, I know you do. Why'd you never tell me about them? Not even after I got this." I shake the little blue one at him, the one that I know is mine, or at least is supposed to be. "Why won't anyone tell me anything, Jou?"

[yellowlion]

"Because Gou's transformation wasn't stable. He kept reverting back by himself, and he was able to decide to come back to our side emotionally by himself." My fists are clenched. I want to hit something -- not Joe -- or hug Joe, especially at the pain in his voice. But I doubt either would be well received right now.

"I don't -- I don't remember everything about your friend, Joe. I don't remember everything I did. But I remember the results. Too much of him was gone."

I blink at his key. "How exactly is not telling you about that, the same as not telling you anything? You know I can transform. You've seen me!"

[gibken]

I frown at him, my own fists are clenched, and the angles of the Key in my hand are digging into my palm and fingers.

"How do you know? How did you know anything about him at all? Some schematics on a piece of alien technology you might not have even understood completely?"

I turn away, hanging my head, trying to breathe. "I meant the Key. You need one of these to do it, don't you? You didn't used to, but you do now, and it has something to do with my past, my real past. And I didn't know. I know nothing."

[yellowlion]

"I don't... don't remember," I admit, hating it, but I'm not about to lie to him about this. "But I wouldn't've told you something I didn't believe! Come ON, Joe, you know me better than that!"

I take a step to him, and lift a hand to put it on his shoulder. But I don't quite connect. I don't think he'd appreciate it right now. "I didn't even remember until recently. You know that. My memories aren't clear. Up till not that long ago I still thought you'd come to us from a foster agency. Joe... don't you trust me at all?"

[gibken]

"No one seems to remember anything." I growl.

He comes up behind me, too quickly, and I spin around with an arm up to block a strike that I never should have even conceived of happening. Why am I acting this way?

Doesn't matter. I thought he was going to hit me, so I reacted. I knock his arm away and stare into his eyes.

"I don't know who I'm supposed to trust anymore. My parents, whose memories are no better than mine? My supposed pirate crew who want to take me away? Who should I trust, Jou? Who knows anything anymore?"

[yellowlion]

He knocks my hand away. I stare at him stupidly, shocked.

"Hell if I know!" I shout back at him. "But pushing people away and making accusations won't HELP!"

[gibken]

"Then you tell me what will help! You're supposed to be my father, aren't you? You're supposed to know what to do! You can help Katsumi! You can help Kazari! And Gai, too, but I'm supposed to... Supposed to just, what, go back to being a god damned space pirate? Is that what you want?"

It probably is, with my luck. They probably want me gone, knowing that I'm supposed to be an adult. I'm supposed to be self sufficient.

[yellowlion]

...and that hits me right in the feelings I normally manage to control. Normally manage to suppress. Because no parent's perfect, no one can do anything.

But that doesn't excuse failure.

"If you think I've helped them perfectly, you're a damn sight stupider than I thought you were," I say flatly. "I've failed all three of them in many, many ways. Doesn't mean I don't love them or that I'll stop trying."

I love you, too, damn you.

"And no, of course it's not." My voice cracks on the last word. "Don't go."

[gibken]

I don't believe him.

For the first time in as long as I can remember, I don't believe him.

And somewhere in my heart I know it's wrong. I know I can trust him. But my head is lying, my head is telling me I can't trust anyone.

No, I shouldn't trust anyone.

I'm dangerous.

I'll get them hurt.

"I don't belong here, do I, Jou?" I say softly, my voice cracking every bit as much as his is. And I back away from him, setting the stupid Key down on the table. I'm heading for the door and I don't even realize it.

"I don't belong here, I never did."

[yellowlion]

...I've lost him.

The look on his face. He's not seeing what he used to see when he looked at me. He's never thought me perfect, and I never wanted him to. We've had little disagreements, little conflicts. But he's always trusted that I care about him, that I have his interests at heart, that I'm trying.

Not now.

It stops me in my tracks for a moment, and maybe it would've made a difference if I broke out of it faster. Maybe not. After a stunned silence I take a step towards him, hand outstretched, wanting very badly to pull the idiot into a hug. "You do belong here. You've always belonged here!" I say fiercely. "This is stupid, Joe, we can talk about this! If it's about Barizorg, or Gou, we can talk, we can work it out, we can work anything out!"

[gibken]

He's trying to stop me, but I know for sure now that his obligation is misplaced at best. At worst, well, it's probably a death sentence.

I shake my head and watch his hand reaching for me, and I back away faster, until my back finds the front door.

Am I going to leave?

"I've never belonged here." I'm not yelling, though I'd like to be. It's like I've forgotten how to raise my voice. I'm not angry. I'm just so lost. "I don't even know who I am. I never have. It's all been a lie, all of it. It's all fake." My hand fumbles weakly for the door knob and grips hard when I finally find it.

"Everything's my fault, isn't it? Sid-sempai, and what happened to Gai, and... All of it, all of it's my fault. It could be you next, you know that?"

[yellowlion]

"Don't go!" I shout. I don't know if I'm telling him not to go back to the Gokaigers, if I'm telling him not to walk out of the house just to cool off, if I'm telling him not to walk out of the house and never come back.

Okay, fine. All of them.

"It's not a goddamn lie. The circumstances, sure, but not the feelings, Joe." I should be speaking more reasonably. I should be using my words persuasively, building a case with logic and emotion to demonstrate in both ways that I really do mean this and he's being an idiot.

But instead I'm near shouting, frantic and desperate that this is happening. "You may not be a foster kid who's been in a few homes and in some trouble. But you're still part of this family, and you always will be even if you walk out that door right now, though I wish to hell you wouldn't."

I shake my head vehemently. "Joe, Joe, Joe. That wasn't your fault, and other things have gone wrong in our lives both before and after meeting you. Don't be ridiculous."

[gibken]

He's shouting, at least. And part of me wants to stop, wants to fall down, wants to let the tears loose and dissolve into pathetic sobs that no one should ever have to witness.

That wouldn't be becoming of a pirate, of the first mate.

Is that who I was?

I feel sick, scared, angry and disgusted with myself. Something's wrong, and I should just tell Jou that something's wrong, something's making me feel this way and it's not natural, but I can't.

I can't bring myself to trust him anymore. And I'm not sure why.

"You're in enough danger." I grit out, turning the door knob. "You're in enough danger as it is, without me here. You think, you think Basco's body would have ended up here if it weren't for me?" The door opens behind me, and I do possibly the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life, never mind just tonight, when I take my cell phone, and the stupid pirate phone thing as well, out of my pocket, dropping them together onto the welcome mat before I turn and start to run.

I want to hide. From all of them.

From myself.

[yellowlion]

He's a thousand miles away.

"You think people around me don't get hurt anyway?" I shout. "The only way to get through all this is to stick together!"

What's he doing-

No. No.

"Joe, don't. We can work with the Gokaigers to protect all of us. You don't have to go anywhere-"

He's gone, and he's left both ways to contact him. I stare stupidly at the mat for a moment, at the place where we never quite managed to remove the last tiny speck of Basco's blood, before I jolt into action and run after him, taking three fast steps out the front door.

Except he's gone. He moved too fast, and I moved too slow. I can't see him.

I slam a fist into the bricks next to the door.

[gibken]

I run until my body literally can't keep it going. No particular direction, no particular destination, just running, trying to outrun my own thoughts, the frightening feelings that have plagued me since Basco showed up dead on our doorstep. No, before that. It's been longer than that.

I collapse to hands and knees in the street, my stomach's roiling but nothing's happening. I didn't have dinner, after all. My head is pounding, and my throat hurts, and I'm sobbing brokenly. I need to get up, I need to go home and try to explain to Jou how there's something wrong with me. Out here in the middle of nowhere I recognize that I need help.

"Ohh la la," An unfamiliar voice purrs in front of me. "What have we here?"

I lift my head, but my eyes are still hazed with tears and it's dark enough that I can't see properly. "What-"

Something presses down over my lips. It's too thin to be a finger, never mind cold and slick. Like some kind of wire or electric cable. A weapon? "I think I could make some good use of you."

Whatever weapon he's using is longer than I thought, and he's good with it. It slips around my neck and tightens across my throat, and then-

[yellowlion]

I calm down gradually, a little. He left his phone and his henshin device thing. Mobirates, I think. He'll be back for both of them. He wouldn't go join the Gokaigers without his Mobirates, after all.

I pace. Twitch. Pace some more. I don't touch the blood on my knuckles. I head down to the little bench used mostly by Joe, and I do sit-ups until my muscles rebel, then I look at the clock.

Nearly half an hour.

I stand up.

He's -- he's not coming back.

I jerk into action. Car keys, phone so I can call people when I'm running around the school, the park, anywhere else I can think of that he might go.

[captainmarvelous]

Don brings me the phone, letting me know it's Jou, Joe's 'foster' father. I grumble at him only a little as I grab the phone from him.

I was in the middle of eating, damn it.

"What!?" I growl into the phone.

This had better be important.