[Mushverse] For Eiji
Sep. 18th, 2012 11:27 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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I stumble into the restaurant, long after the sun has set, after the place has closed. I giggle when the door bangs behind me, and watch it as it swings shut, as it locks itself. I used to always go in through the window, but now I find I can't reach it, no matter how agile I'm feeling.
I trip on something, maybe just the floor, and halfway fall into a table, laughing sharp and shrill as I do. I smack it once with my hand, the same way I smacked Kazari on the shoulder and declared we'd always be brothers, even though neither of us are Greeeds anymore.
That was around the third bottle of sake, after my cheeks went numb, and before my fingers and toes joined them. He's a good cat, he made sure none of my food had any bird meat in it.
And he made sure I got home without wandering off and trying to climb any trees. Well, no more than he tried to.
Oh.
The room is spinning.
I trip on something, maybe just the floor, and halfway fall into a table, laughing sharp and shrill as I do. I smack it once with my hand, the same way I smacked Kazari on the shoulder and declared we'd always be brothers, even though neither of us are Greeeds anymore.
That was around the third bottle of sake, after my cheeks went numb, and before my fingers and toes joined them. He's a good cat, he made sure none of my food had any bird meat in it.
And he made sure I got home without wandering off and trying to climb any trees. Well, no more than he tried to.
Oh.
The room is spinning.
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Date: 2012-10-01 06:46 am (UTC)He guides me to the bathroom before I finally launch off him, crashing to the floor, my knees cracking painfully, and then I'm retching into the toilet. There's hardly anything solid in me, but it feels like my stomach is turning itself inside out and trying to vacate my chest.
I'm shaking once I'm done, clinging to anything I can reach. I want to dissolve into a puddle of self hate on the floor. Eiji should just leave me here. He should go to bed and forget all about me. I could be gone by the morning, never bother him, never hurt him, ever again...
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Date: 2012-10-01 07:03 am (UTC)I wet a washcloth, then kneel next to him, leaving the washcloth in reach. I rub his back, and hold his hair out of the way. He finishes at last, and I wipe his forehead, his cheeks, his mouth, gently.
I put the washcloth aside. I can clean it soon enough. Right now what matters is putting an arm around him, and murmuring endearments into his hair.
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Date: 2012-10-03 03:12 am (UTC)"Eiji," I choke, gagging dryly once, and try to pull away from him, not entirely successfully. "I don't deserve this."
I don't deserve you.
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Date: 2012-10-03 04:05 am (UTC)I rinse the cloth in the sink, then sit back down with him. "I still love you, Ankh. No matter what. Of course I want to help you when you feel bad." My voice is shy, uncertain, because I don't know just what out of that will make him feel worse. But my feelings are not uncertain in the slightest.
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Date: 2012-10-06 01:45 am (UTC)"I... I hurt you." I lick my lips, panting slow and heavily. I look away from him, lifting one hand up far enough that I can close a fist over my chest.
"I almost hurt you m-mo... oh." I spin around again. Gagging again. Sick again.
I can't tell if it's the alcohol or my guilt that's causing it anymore.
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Date: 2012-10-06 02:39 am (UTC)I tchhh under my breath, and crouch beside him again to rub his back. My poor Ankh.
"I've hurt you," I say softly in between bouts.
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Date: 2012-10-12 04:32 am (UTC)"Not the same." I rest my forehead against the edge of the toilet, my arms gripping at it to keep myself from falling over completely. "I..."
I gag once, but not enough to get sick again. "I wanted to do horrible things to you tonight. You. The one I love. The one I gave my existence for."
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Date: 2012-10-12 05:36 am (UTC)Well, I was. And am. But because Ankh's upset, not because I had any problem with having sex with him.
"You're new to getting drunk, and it's normal to get angry at people," I say softly. I start to work on cleaning him up again, then I tilt his face very gently towards me and kiss his forehead. He feels so hot.
"You didn't do it. Alcohol makes it harder to repress impulses, but you still didn't do it. You haven't hurt me."
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Date: 2012-10-19 02:50 am (UTC)It's kind of incredible, how far I've sunk. Once a being of pure want and need and take, and now I feel...
"I don't know how to do this." I choke, I gag, I gasp. "I don't know how to be human. I just... don't. I can't."
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Date: 2012-10-19 12:17 pm (UTC)No, no, no.
I take him in my arms properly, not particularly caring if he might end up throwing up down my back. "You're feeling awful because you got drunk," I say softly. "Let's talk about it all properly in the morning, when you're better? I promise I won't forget. I know it matters."
Maybe... maybe I should stop fighting for a while.
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Date: 2012-10-20 01:41 am (UTC)"I've felt this way before I got drunk." I stammer out, my throat wet and my lips dry. "It's just... just making it... h-harder."
He's so warm, warm and solid, and I selfishly lean against him, lean into him, lean on him and try to draw some of that magic warmth into my own shaking limbs.
"Eiji... I'm so sorry...."
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Date: 2012-10-20 02:08 am (UTC)"I understand," I say around the lump in my throat. It's fighting. It's messing him up. I -- hate this.
I kiss his forehead again. "You don't need to be sorry. I don't want you to be upset, Ankh. Come on, let me tuck you in."
Right. Time to swing him up into my arms.
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Date: 2012-10-24 03:50 am (UTC)My own two human feet. Mine. Not borrowed. Flesh and blood and delicate bones. Easily wounded, easily broken.
Human. Mine. Me.
Painfully, vulnerably, human.
I am on my feet. My feet, leaning on Eiji for support only as much as I need.
I am trying not to breathe too heavily, trying not to suck in all the air my panicking brain thinks I need.
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Date: 2012-10-25 11:27 pm (UTC)I pick him up gently, settling him against me, nestling him into me. "Breathe with me," I tell him softly. "Don't make yourself pass out."
What's left here can stay here for the night. I manoeuvre us carefully out of the bathroom and head for the bedroom. I sit down on the bed with him still cradled in my arms. "It's all right, Ankh. Just keep breathing."
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Date: 2012-10-26 06:13 am (UTC)The room spins, and I cling to him.
"Eiji," I gasp, beyond feeling guilt, beyond feelings of pride. I grab hard at his hand and try to catch his eyes with my swirling gaze. "Bear?"
I need the bear he gave me.
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Date: 2012-10-26 10:44 am (UTC)It's quite ridiculous. He's always been fragile physically, both in the detective's body and now in his own. Slim wrists, skin barely stretched over bone, fragility on fragility. But his personality has such force, he's so strong, that I don't really notice until he's vulnerable like this.
Until he's shuddering in my arms, trying to trust me, trying to breathe with me. Failing.
He grabs my hand and asks for his bear, and my heart nearly breaks all over again. I press my lips to his forehead. "Of course."
I keep one arm around his shoulders, cradling his head against the dip under my collarbone, and reach out with the other hand, reach behind me, for the bear. I think I saw it on -- there.
I place the bear in his arms. "Let me get you settled in bed, okay?"
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Date: 2012-10-28 07:17 am (UTC)But I can heart his heartbeat, strong and steady. And powerful. As Powerful as his will.
Oh.
Oh that's what it always was with him.
I clutch at the bear he gave me, once he sets it safely in my arms. The room is spinning fiercely now, practically doing summersaults.
He didn't have passion, he didn't have desire.
He has will.
"Eiji, I love you." I murmur against him, then choke, because I have no right to say that to him, not after tonight. I shake my head, and try to pull away from him, try to move toward my pillow, where I can curl up and pretend...
I don't even know.
Maybe just try and forget.
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Date: 2012-10-28 07:32 am (UTC)He's pulling away from me, and I don't know the cause. I could mess around trying to interpret his actions, I could assume it's one thing or another, but it's easier just to say straight out what I don't know. Easier to put my heart on the line, as it always is, with him. Open to him. Always him.
Always his.
"If you're pulling away from me to get comfortable, that's okay," I say softly. I begin helping him settle into the bed, moving the pillow so it supports his neck properly, worming the blanket out from under him.
But then I get in behind him, and I carefully place an arm over him, carefully fit myself around him. I don't want to pull him closer to me. He's sick, it wouldn't be fair. "But if you're pulling away because you have some idiotic idea that you're not worthy of me, then I won't allow it, Ankh." I press my lips gently to the skin behind his ear. "I love you. You'll have to push me away a lot more convincingly than that, and even then, I'll still want you. I'll still need you. I'll only give you a short break before I'm back talking to you again, caring about you, wanting your opinion, wanting you to be happy."
I put my head back on the pillow, behind his. "I love you."
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Date: 2012-10-29 05:41 am (UTC)But I selfishly shift into him, once he curls up behind me. I clutch more tightly at the bear when he kisses me behind my ear. I feel so weak and small. Childlike.
Which is funny, since I have no idea what it feels like to be a child.
I don't know how to be human, it all comes back to that.
"Eiji..." I start, then stop, my throat too raw, my lips too dry. I may need water or something, but I'm not going to ask for it.
I shake my head, and settle in with him.
I thought love was bullshit before I met him. And then I realized I loved him, and then I hurt him...
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Date: 2012-10-31 06:33 am (UTC)I jump up and return swiftly, setting the glass and pills down on the table. "Let me help you sit."
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Date: 2012-11-03 01:59 am (UTC)I should be better for him, he deserves so much more than me.
When he comes back I manage to sit up enough to drink on my own, and carefully accept the pill and glass from him. I stare at the tiny pill a moment, my thoughts trying to go all deep.
When I was Greeed, the only pain I knew was longing, and no pill could fix that.
Stop it, Ankh.
I take the pill and drink several gulps of water, then murmur as aloud a thanks as I can manage.
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Date: 2012-11-03 02:08 am (UTC)I'm not going to try, for the moment, though. It won't help. All I can do is be here for him, stay here with him, show him by being here just how much I care and how much he matters.
I'll keep asking him to talk. But not every time he looks upset, no matter how much it might pain me. If I twitch after him every single time, it'll just push him further away.
I take the glass off him and set it back down, then kiss him on the forehead. "Go to sleep," I say warmly.
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Date: 2012-11-03 10:11 pm (UTC)"You shouldn't love me." I whisper, maybe too low for him to hear, and then move to settle back down on the bed, facing the wall.
Part of me wants him to crawl in behind me again, wrap his arms around me and hold me until I fall asleep. Part of me knows he shouldn't have anything to do with me.
I hold the bear close to my chest, its head tucked up under my chin. It doesn't smell new anymore,. It smells like this place. This bed. It smells like Eiji (and me?) and like home.
When did this place become home? When did I start nesting?
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Date: 2012-11-03 10:17 pm (UTC)That's all there is to it.
I slip in behind him again. I'll pull away if he makes it plain that he wants me to, but what I want is to hold him. For his sake, and mine.
I worm an arm under his head, smiling at the feel of his hair, so soft, so like feathers, sometimes. I wrap my other arm over his stomach, and fit myself closely to him, along his back. My heart beats against his spine.
This is where I belong.
Where he belongs, too. I hope.