[Aibouverse, circa ep34 canon: open to AU Go-Busters, particularly seeking Masato and/or 'iromu~]

[silverpleather]

If it had been my decision, I probably wouldn't have told the others about Masato's... not entirely helpful coping mechanism. I've seen it before, of course, his tendency to make a joke out of anything that upsets him.

I've been the subject more than not in the past thirteen years, but this is something different entirely.

I had every intention of going after him on my own and dealing with him and the stupid Puppetroid, but Jueki put paid to that by telling the entire group what was going on before I got a chance.

Hopefully I'll still get a chance to talk to him alone. Even if I have to drag him to the subdimension to do it.

Comments

Re: [Kurorin~]

[loveenetronkurorin]

There's a time for action, and there's a time for thought.

Jin won't give me a damn thing if I chase after him too quickly, so I finish up my paperwork, review the footage from the day, and sip at a glass of water while I think.

Then, going on instinct, I head on up to the roof. I'm sure he'll hear me push the door open.

[goldenikemen]

I know it's Kurorin when the door opens. No one knows me as well as he does. Well, Emi knows me just as well, but in different ways. They each know me in ways the other can't.

I glance over my shoulder, just to confirm it, and look at him for a long moment like that before finally turning, leaning back against the railing and crossing my arms over my chest.

"Good evening, Kurorin."

[loveenetronkurorin]

Yes, there he is.

I meet his gaze levelly, noting the tiny signs of tension in him. He's barely even bothering to try to mask it, which shows just how much he's hurting right now.

Taking my time, I stroll over to the railing and lean my elbows on it. We don't have to make eye contact all the damn time for him to know there's a connection between us.

"Good evening," I say, voice gravelly. "Rough day."

[goldenikemen]

I could laugh, and very nearly do, though it comes out as more of a sigh. "To put it lightly."

I shift a bit to the side, sliding a little closer to him, not quite close enough for our arms to brush.

Wouldn't really feel it anyway.

I used to share almost everything with him.

Now... almost nothing.

I swallow, and clear my throat. "I'm sorry."

[loveenetronkurorin]

He moves closer. I copy, so our arms actually touch, because hell if I'm going to let that kind of symbolism stand. I know we're not really touching. I know he can't feel it, not like he could before.

But if it's all I can offer him, then I'm going to offer it.

I nod, turning his apology over in my mind, trying to work out how it fits. "For what, exactly?" I ask in a gentle rumble.

[goldenikemen]

I smile very slightly when he moves that little bit closer, aware that out arms are now pressed, even if I can't feel it.

I sigh, and tip my head back, looking up at the almost-night sky.

"I don't even know where to begin answering that."

[loveenetronkurorin]

A tiny smile is still progress. I'll take it.

I turn so I can see his face, then nod slowly, and turn back again. "Take your time, Jin."

[goldenikemen]

I sigh, this time in frustration, and push myself off the railing, scratching first at the back of my neck, then at the back of my head, as I wander just a bit on the roof.

Almost pacing, I shift my jacket aside, resting my hands on my hips. I look down at my feet, hair covering most of my face.

"For not being more candid when I first showed up about the status of Ryuuji and Youko's parents. For not explaining about what damage to mine and Emi's avatars would really do."

I stop my pacing and face him, looking at him for a long moment before bowing my head again. "For not being as open with you as I once was."

[loveenetronkurorin]

I turn around fully, mimicking his posture from earlier, as I watch him. I nod as he finishes his list.

I'm not happy about those things, no. But I'm not stupid, and I'm not a child. "I know," I say gruffly, not letting any irritation into my voice. What is, is, and right here and now, I'm not angry. I've been angry at times when he's confessed things, but not now. "I want to work with you on all this, Jin. I want to help you, and have you help us as much as you can. But we can't do that unless we're more open."

I push myself off the railing and stand straight, tugging my jacket down. "I know you had reasons. And I could be more open with you. I'm not about to yell at you for that."

However... "I am about to yell at you for not leaning on me, though, you idiot."

[and that was supposed to be HIROMU and Youko's parents. Sorry. Was also replying to Ryuuji]

[goldenikemen]

"Not leaning on you?" I glance up again, and tilt my head, a hint of a curious smirk in my eyes. "Do you mean physically? Or emotionally?"

I'm still broken up inside, still feeling waves of lingering guilt and grief and... and loneliness. Even with Emi, I am lonely. We are lonely.

I want to move to Kurorin and fall against him and do the things I used to with him to help me forget emotional bullshit. And while I could still do all the things I used to for him, they would leave me feeling even more empty and alone.

[I understoooood]

[loveenetronkurorin]

I sigh, and let my posture sag. I start unbuttoning my jacket, not with the intention of anything kinky, just to get more comfortable. To show him that I can be more comfortable around him.

To get trust, you have to give it, sometimes.

"Emotionally, you idiot," I say with exasperated affection. "What a question. I mean if you need to blow off steam it's easier to do it in controlled bursts, now and then, instead of letting it go long enough that you lose your shit entirely."

[still. derp]

[goldenikemen]

He begins unbuttoning his jacket, and I am lost staring, swept up in flashes of memory.

Weary from work, Kurorin unbuttons his jacket as he moves closer to me, locking the door to his room on the way. I watch as each button is carefully opened, as Kurorin slowly eases himself into a more relaxed posture.

My Kurorin, always so tense, always so stressed, let me help you unwind...

I blink, and shake my head, trying to wipe the memories from my mind. I look away from him for a moment, trying to gather my wits.

"It's been a long time, Kurorin." It's a lame excuse in one respect, but it's also a solid one. Thirteen years....

[oh hush you XD] [you're allowed to be imperfect, especially on that account]

[loveenetronkurorin]

He's giving me the strangest look. It's bringing back memories for me, too, but doesn't everything? Doesn't everything he ever does?

"Yes, I'm aware of that," I say dryly. "It'll only get longer if you don't start trusting me now."

[goldenikemen]

I look back at him, my face serious, maybe a little wounded. I'm a little wounded by his words, my emotions extra fragile today, I just don't know if it's showing on my face.

"I trust you more than I trust anyone. With the possible exception of Emi. I just... Ah, mou..."" I kick at the gravely surface of the roof, and scratch at my hair until I'm tugging, wishing I could feel the sting of my nails digging into my scalp.

I stride back over to him, hands on my hips, and look up at him. "I don't know how to start. There are things... That are really painful to talk about. And I don't... I don't even talk about them with Emi much anymore."

[loveenetronkurorin]

I haven't seen him this unguarded in... in thirteen years.

Hm.

He's kicking, fidgeting with his hair, and then he strides over to me like he's about to yell.

He doesn't yell, but fuck, the frustration on his face. "Pick one. The biggest one, if you can't pick."

[goldenikemen]

I open my mouth, but there are no words behind that action. I fumble, and falter, and god, I just want to lean against him and... and cry.

Really cry, just let go in ways I've never allowed myself to. I can't even remember the last time I let myself cry like normal people do. Long, long before I was pulled away to the Subdimension.

No good. I couldn't cry in this form even if I allowed myself to.

I shake my head, and half turn away from him, hiding my face in my hair. "Kurorin, there's... there's a reason why my avatar looks like I did thirteen years ago."

I tip my head back, and look up at the sky, now properly night. "And there's a reason why Emi's doesn't."

[loveenetronkurorin]

Sun's gone down. The starlight is a silhouette around his hair, and I just... have to suppress a sudden fierce need to have back those years we lost.

He's so upset.

I jolt forward, a hand outstretched, composure shattered. If he means... "So one of them is a false image? Or both?"

[goldenikemen]

"No." I shake my head, and look back at him. "Neither of us are false."

I will not undermine Emi's expression of self by calling it a false image. I just won't. He is too important to me. He deserves this borrowed time as the age he should be.

My palm practically itches to take Kurorin's hand, but I hold back, keeping myself as composed as I can manage, while my voice remains pained, but firm.

"I helped Emi age his avatar as his mind aged. I helped him grow up in the only way he could."

[loveenetronkurorin]

...I'm not going to fall apart over this.

"I see," I rumble after too long a pause. My mind flicks through all the implications, the horror, the poignance of someone who's still physically eleven years old being trapped like that.

He's twenty-four. That hasn't changed. False means the representation of the physical self, only. His avatar genuinely represents his identity, though.

He's eleven, physically, there.

I shake my head, not because I don't believe it, but because I don't want to believe it, then I meet Jin's eyes with as much empathy as I can manage on top of how much this troubles me. "This is a hell of a mess, Jin."

[goldenikemen]

I meet his eyes for as long as I can, then waver, not turning away, simply dropping my gaze and letting my hair fall over my face. My favorite way of hiding. Or disengaging.

"That is a lovely understatement, Kurorin." I sigh, and cross my arms tightly over my chest. My tone is gentle, despite my posture, and I am not trying to snipe at him with my words.

He's easing into this idea. I've had years.

"You can't tell anyone you know. Especially not Emi." I shake my head, and look back at him, my eyes imploring. "Please. He deserves this delusion."

[loveenetronkurorin]

Still so much of a gulf between us. I can't tell if it's helped him at all to share this.

I smile, just a little. "After everything you've both been through, I think I can live with that, somehow," I say with just a touch of affection. "You're right, anyway. It's not false. He is twenty-four."

Still a child. In more ways than the others, and it makes my stomach constrict. But there's nothing I can do.

"It's his decision whether he tells anyone before we rescue your bodies."

[goldenikemen]

My posture softens, my shoulders easing, if only just slightly, when he agrees not to tell anyone. I can tell Kurorin, I can share my worry and pain with him, but if the others knew...

Emi would never forgive me. And I would never be able to forgive myself.

"Thank you, really."

I uncross my arms, and almost reach toward him, but my arm falters halfway, and my hand drops.

"With everything that's happened recently, and the fact that we still don't have our bodies back, added to the complications that implies... I..."

I sigh, and for a brief moment my avatar wavers. It rights itself soon enough, and maybe he didn't notice.

"I'm so tired, Kurorin."

[loveenetronkurorin]

At least he knows he can trust me with this. That's something, I suppose.

...his avatar actually wavers.

I take a step towards him automatically, because it's too close to the little tells he used to give when he'd overworked and was sick or something, and was about to pass out, and I'd need to grab him... not that it happened too often, but there are some things the body doesn't forget.

One day maybe fourteen years ago... he'd only communicated with me by email, and I knew he was in the middle of a huge project, had worked maybe thirty-six, maybe forty hours. He'd finished, so I came to see if he wanted lunch.

Dark circles surrounded his eyes, his breathing wasn't right, and he seemed indefinably frailer. He turned to look at me, and there was the tiniest shudder, just like that flicker, and I caught him just in time.

He'd been nursing pneumonia. Hadn't told anyone and there hadn't been anyone around who knew him well enough to force him off the damn urgent project and make him go to a doctor.

Not that I ever overworked.

"So much weight on you," I rumble, not having missed his half-hearted attempt to reach for me. I know he's an avatar, but if he needed comfort badly enough to reach for me... I hold out a hand to him. "Jin. Let me help you bear it."

[goldenikemen]

I hesitate again, not from pride. I am far beyond the point of showing pride to him right now, moved so far into weariness that I would gladly let him guide me off to bed. Even undress me and tuck me in, as he had to do at least once in our past.

I just. I want to feel it. For real. Not just my Avatar telling me he's touching me. Not just in lingering phantom feelings of his touch.

I accept his hand, and frown. It should be warm, and rough, and strong. But my avatar tells he it's just any other hand touching mine, and I... I hate it.

"You can't help." I admit, somewhat miserably. "Not like you used to."

[loveenetronkurorin]

I nod, agreeing with him, but I'm not about to let go of his damn hand. "I know. I can't force you to eat, I can't put you to bed, I can't... can't do things to you to make you forget you're stressed, for a little while."

I meet his eyes levelly. "But that just means we have to find new ways for me to help. Starting with one question. Is your body uninjured?"