Christmas "Meme"

[snakewithbaggage]

Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells!
Suzu ga naru
Suzu no rizumu ni hikari no wa ga mau
Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells!
Suzu ga naru
Mori ni hayashi ni hibikinagara

Welcome to the Dinohouse Christmas "meme"! This is going to work a bit differently from most memes, but still free free to do what you want here!

The idea:
Following this post I will be making an assortment of Universe/Location "thread" comments. These will define the specific scene and universe being worked in. Comments by applicable characters will follow under that comment.

Example:
Mushverse; Shiba Mansion; open to Shinkengers

Comments following that would all be set in the Mushverse universe, be by any Shinkengers that want to participate, and take place at the Shiba Mansion Christmas party. Think of it sort of like every "top level" comment is its own post to the community.

Following that example, if your desired AU/Canon/etc isn't there, feel free to make a "thread" for it! Say there's already a Mushverse Go-busters "thread", and you want to do something in Aibouverse, or something more canon, maybe just between two characters? Make one!

Comments following the "thread" headings can be group setting free for all, or between individuals. Say it's a canon GokaiGalleon party, and Gai and Luka want to go off alone, or are on their way to the Galleon together? Their thread can be a separate second level comment thread beneath the main Canon Gokaiger thread.

I know that's a lot of information/qualifiers, but don't let it make you nervous to post, "rules" are fluid, and mainly set for added organization.

HAVE FUN. And enjoy the season!

Comments

[hinooo]

Chiyoko-san nods at me, making a shooing motion with both hands. I manage a weak smile back at her.

Ankh links our fingers, and we walk towards the door. The ground seems like it's shifting under me.

I'm going to try.

He just feels so far away.

[icon :( ]

[groundedbird]

I grab his jacket from the door, because it's winter, damn it, and he's not wearing nearly enough layers.

I realize, as I reach for mine, that I never took my own jacket off when I got here. I just sort of fell into Eiji.

We slip outside, out hands joining again once he's got his jacket sorted. I'm not sure if he had a specific place in mind, but we fall into step together just the same.

[I knowww :( ]

[hinooo]

He grabs my jacket for me, and I sling it on hurriedly, not wanting to lose contact with him for any longer than absolutely necessary.

I'm glad of it once we get outside.

I'm also glad of the warmth of his hand in mine.

We're heading towards the water. Not many people out. "I'm listening," I say softly. I mean it. I'll really try to listen, not just flinch and respond to the first sound of pain in his voice, not just try to comfort him instantly.

Listen, and hear.

[groundedbird]

He's listening, of course he's listening. He's always listening, but does he hear? Or is he as deaf as I am when it comes to properly understanding?

I'm quiet for a while, gathering my thoughts. Trying to decide on where to begin.

"What am I to you now?"

Might as well jump right in.

"And what are we to each other?"

[hinooo]

We stop near the water. The wind's ruffling my hair, his hair, the collar of his shirt.

"The person I want to be with, always and ever," I respond, not slowly, but not instantly, either. I don't want him to think that I'm not thinking about these answers, that I'm just trying to reassure him.

...ah, that one's harder. Defining things. Defining things from *his* perspective. I watch his face anxiously. I'm not going to try to make him happy with this, though I very much want him to be happy. I'm going to say what I think. What I feel. "I think naming it is difficult. What you... what you feel about me is up to you, and if you don't want to be with me..."

I swallow uncomfortably, painfully, around the lump in my throat. That's enough of that anyway, enough to show him that I'm aware of the possibility.

"Um. What we are is..."

...in the end, it's not that hard to define. What are we to each other? "In love," I finish softly.

[groundedbird]

"I do love you." I say, not quickly, not blurting it out like I'm trying to make the words fast and more real or something. But the way I said them in the hospital, the way I've thought them about him before and since.

"I just..." I sigh, and try to blow some hair out of my face. "I just don't know how to help you anymore. I don't know what I can do for you. I can't fight with you, not anymore. And maybe I shouldn't be defining myself by what we used to be. What I used to be. Maybe I shouldn't be defining you by what you used to be."

[hinooo]

He says he loves me. That's something, at least. And he's here with me right now. He wouldn't be doing that if he hated me, right? He wouldn't be walking all the way out here just to...

...respectfully tell me...

...he doesn't want to be with...

No. Stop it. Stop anticipating, stop panicking, just listen.

I blink rapidly at the last, at how lost he sounds. "There was always more to it than fighting," I offer, softly. I want to dive in and fix this, want to reassure him that everything's okay, want to anxiously deluge him with words and hope they help, but I'm trying to be what he needs right now. So I offer a thought, a small reassurance, then fall silent to leave him room to speak.

[groundedbird]

"Ah," I give a small nod, though I'm not so sure.

"Always more than fighting." I echo his words thoughtfully, rolling them over in my head. I try to think back on all that Date said, all the advice he gave me.

I need to be strong in myself. I need to know what that even means for me. What I am now. Who I am now.

I wonder if Eiji's already done that, while I was gone. I wonder if he still needs to do that.

"I think maybe I need some time to myself."

The words fall from my lips and hang in the air between us.

1/2

[hinooo]

He says 'ah', and then repeats my words, as if they're something new to him.

I think that's all he thought we were to each other, back then.

Oh.

He's listening, though. He's not just dismissing me, and I have to respect him for that. Of course I respect him for that. How hard must it be to find yourself suddenly human and have to deal with things like this? It's difficult enough when you were born human and don't have 800 years of conditioning to get over. So, I very much appreciate that! He's doing his best. He's trying, he's listening, and it's so good of him.

...

I blink at him, and have to turn my head for a moment, fighting for control.

[hinooo]

I smear the back of my hand quickly, savagely, across my eyes then turn back.

I didn't think this was going to happen, but I can't blame him for it. I won't. And I won't try to keep him here. If it's what he needs, then it's what he should have.

I'm not going to be mean about it, though. Loving, but understanding. And happy for him! Because it's really good if he knows what he needs. He's come so far!

"All right," I say softly, smiling at him. "I know you love me, and I know you need this, and that's all I need to know. I'll be here, when you come back."

My voice breaks on the last word, but I fight on. "And if you decide you can't come back, well, I'll miss you, but I'll understand. Can I help you pack up your things?"

[groundedbird]

This is wrong. I know this is wrong. But I can't place why. What exactly is wrong here. We're both being respectful, we're both being rational.

I draw in a shaky breath, and let it out slowly. I watch his face for a moment more, trying to read everything he's feeling. His eyes are damp, but he's smiling. His voice breaks slightly, but he keeps talking.

"I think I can manage." This is wrong. "I don't have much."

I turn to head back to the restaurant on my own, hands shoved in my pockets.

I take maybe three steps before spinning around again, staring at him.

"You're not even going to try to stop me?" Not that I was expecting him to, not like this way some test of his feelings. I would never do that, not now. I really intended to walk away after I said I would. Walk away and find myself.

But this whole situation is so wrong.

"'That's all I need to know', you say. Is it really? Is that really all you need, Eiji?" My voice is growing stronger, my tone fiercer. Angrier.

"And forget about need, what do you want Eiji? Do you want me to stay? Do you want to be with me?" The air is still cold, but I'm feeling warmer as my emotions build.

"Do something for yourself. You'll fight for everyone else on this damn planet, but you won't fight yourself. Won't acknowledge your own needs. Who's really human here? Which one of us is really living?"

[hinooo]

I want to bow my head, want to turn away, as he begins walking back to Cous Coussier, but I don't. I don't want to make this harder on him.

He turns and stares at me, snaps at me.

My hand rises in reflexive protest. I know he's not doing this because he wants me to try to stop him, but why doesn't he realise that if I do try to stop him, that'd be the biggest jerk move I could make?

"Of course I want you to stay," I say, forcing my voice to stay quiet. I don't want to get into an argument about this with him. "Of course I do, Ankh. But if you need to go, if that's what you really need, how could I be happy with you staying here instead? How could I be happy knowing that you need to take a break and you're not DOING so? That wouldn't meet my needs or my wants. Part of being human is acknowledging that there aren't any easy answers sometimes!"

I take a deep breath, and unclench my hands. I hadn't even realised they'd formed fists in the first place. "Ideally, I want you with me, and happy. But I can wait to have both of those together."

[groundedbird]

"I don't know what I need!" I snap, I shout.

I 'tch' after, shoving my hands into my pockets and half turning away. I tip my head back, and glare up at the sky instead of glaring at Eiji.

I try to draw in a slow breath of cool air, try to sigh my anger out with it. But it comes out as more of a hiss. And my frustration, if not my anger, still lingers.

"I love you, you idiot. And you love me. But you don't need me anymore. I don't know my role in your life anymore, beyond those words."

I look back at Eiji, but don't turn back to face him fully. My anger has faded, replaced with a dull sadness.

"I need to be needed."

[hinooo]

"You think I don't need you-?" I choke out, but my voice cracks and I have to shut up before I dissolve into tears.

I press the heels of my hands into my eyes, press hard, until I'm seeing stars, then let my hands drop.

He can't even look at me. Not properly.

"Of course I need you. I always did. Not just because of the medals." I try to keep my voice calm, but I half want to cry, half want to grab him and shake him and demand to know why I'm always the 'idiot'.

"But I'm not about to grab you and make you stay close to me." I take a step, but I don't touch him. "I need you whole. I need you happy. And I'll do anything required that help you feel happy, to help you feel whole, even if that means you're not physically with me. Don't you get it? I don't want you here with me if you're longing for something else. Even if it ripped my stupid heart out, I'd prefer you on the other side of the world, but happy."

[groundedbird]

I stay still for a moment, his words ringing in my ears.

He's moved closer, and I reach across the small distance between us to take his hand. It feels just as it always does. Warm and safe.

It feels like home.

I give his hand a squeeze, and look at him properly.

"You are the most important thing in my world." My voice has softened, my anger faded. "But I can't keep you in the position of my entire world. It's not healthy. Not for me, and not for you. I'll just keep hurting you if I do."

I sigh, and bring my free hand up to scratch at my scalp, where my braid used to always be. "I need to be a whole person. I need to find things to fulfill me beyond just the bond I share with you."

[hinooo]

He takes my hand. I'm quivering, still poised waiting for his reaction, for him to yell, scream, run off, be dreadfully calm and restrained again, grab me and kiss me, shove me, punch me...anything.

But he's calm, and seems a little less like he's holding himself horribly still inside for fear he'll break.

"I need to do that, too," I say softly, marvelling at the feel of his fingers in mine. "I'm not good at this, Ankh. But this is why I support you taking more time. If you need it, you should have it. What kind of love would I be if I tried to stop you having what you need?"

[groundedbird]

"I know," I sigh, and give his hand a squeeze. "I just want you to be willing to reach out and grab the things you want. To fight for the things that are important to you, not just for other people."

I tug him closer, turning so that we're standing face to face, and then wrapping my arms around him, over and around his shoulder, the other around his wait. I hug him tightly, my face pressed against his neck, nose tucked up beneath his ear.

I breathe in his scent, and it mingles with the smells of winter. I sway a little as I hug him, and sigh.

"I won't leave." I can't leave him, and I don't really want to. "But I am going to find somewhere to work that's not the restaurant. Find my own niche in the world. Find some times where I can be just me."

[hinooo]

I....I know he's right, but the things that are important to other people are important to me, too, for them. It's not simple.

It's never simple.

"All right," I say softly. "I can help you get a job, then I'll leave you alone."

The only simple thing is that I'm in his arms, and he's in mine, and I don't want to let him go.

I do, though.

[groundedbird]

Reluctantly I stop slinging to him, though I keep mt arms around him, loosely. I'm not really holding him at arms length, just pulling back enough to look at his face.

"We're both kind of a mess sometimes." I'm speaking without thinking ahead, just saying the words as the come to the surface. They're true enough though, and I don't regret saying them.

I sigh, and shiver slightly, suddenly very aware of the cold.

"Let's go home."