[Mushverse] For Eiji

[redgreeed]

I stumble into the restaurant, long after the sun has set, after the place has closed. I giggle when the door bangs behind me, and watch it as it swings shut, as it locks itself. I used to always go in through the window, but now I find I can't reach it, no matter how agile I'm feeling.

I trip on something, maybe just the floor, and halfway fall into a table, laughing sharp and shrill as I do. I smack it once with my hand, the same way I smacked Kazari on the shoulder and declared we'd always be brothers, even though neither of us are Greeeds anymore.

That was around the third bottle of sake, after my cheeks went numb, and before my fingers and toes joined them. He's a good cat, he made sure none of my food had any bird meat in it.

And he made sure I got home without wandering off and trying to climb any trees. Well, no more than he tried to.

Oh.

The room is spinning.

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[redgreeed]

My entire body shakes, trembles, convulses. I scrape at the floor with my nails, hard enough to burn, maybe hard enough to make one or two of my fingertips bleed. I can't tell.

I'm breaking down, everything I've been feelings coming to a sharp reality inside me. I don't know who I am, what I am. Not beyond Eiji, and even that is hard to define.

I love him. I told him that when he... almost died.

He almost died.

I love him, but I don't know who I am. What I can be for him. I don't know my place anymore. I can't use him to find medals, there are no more medals to find. I can't fight beside him, I am limited by human strength now.

I love him, my love for him wakes me up at night sometimes, with the fierceness of my beating heart. I love him, but there is still this gaping hole inside me.

I've hurt him.

[hinooo]

He's huddled into the wall like he wants nothing more than to get away, get away from everything, get away from me. I think his fingers are bleeding, with how desperate he is.

I swallow. Maybe I should get Chiyoko-san. Or Hina-chan. Date-san, or Gotou-san.

I'm not up to this. I've proven how monumentally I'm not up to this. The odds have been incredibly bad, against me, other times when I've thrown myself into situations. This is worse. I honestly don't see how I can come out of this with any kind of success. And it's not about me 'succeeding', that's not the important part, it's about helping him feel a bit better, helping him work out what he needs to do so he can feel a lot better.

I don't know how to do that.

But.

But I can love him.

I'm the only one here, and I don't know if the others could help any more than I can anyway. I -- I don't want to leave him alone.

The odds have been incredibly bad, against me, other times when I've thrown myself into situations. This is worse.

I'm going to try anyway.

I pad over to him and get down next to him in a crouch, then I reach out and let a hand close very gently, very lightly, over his shoulder.

I'm here, Ankh. I'm not leaving you, no matter what. I love you.

[redgreeed]

Soft movement, echoing off the insides of my skull. He's moving closer. Why is he moving closer? Doesn't he know I'm bad for him? Doesn't he know I will only, always, hurt him?

I whimper when he touches me, curling closer to the wall. But I don't want to detach from his touch, don't want to move too far away from his comfort.

I am so selfish. I want him to be there for me, even after I have hurt him so deeply.

I almost... "Oh god."

I almost hurt him more than I could ever take back. I almost...

Rape. That's the word. If I am honest with myself. Though it makes me want to throw up. Makes me want to take the nearest knife and carve my own heart out.

[hinooo]

He whimpers, hunches over further, and my breath catches in my throat in empathy. He's trying to make himself smaller, trying to melt into the wall. At least he hasn't yanked himself away from my hand.

(I don't know how to do this.)

I can't leave this pain unanswered, though. Not in anyone. Especially not in Ankh.

(The two halves of his medal, warm in my hand.)

"Tell me," I request softly, inching closer. I slip an arm around his shoulders, again, as lightly as I can, so he won't feel too pressured. "Tell me everything."

[redgreeed]

I shake my head rapidly at his words, at his request. I can't. I just can't. He would take it too hard. Or see it as something he has to fix.

He can't fix this. He would try, and hate himself for failing.

My stomach lurches, and I scrape at the floor again, splitting my fingers further, trailing blood. I can't even feel it. Not even the slickness as my fingers glide.

"I'm going to be sick."

It's all I can get out. All I can manage. I curl further inward. He should leave. He should leave me to my guilt and misery.

[hinooo]

...damn, that isn't good. He's not going to talk to me at all. I'm not leaving, though. Not unless some better option turns up, something that will actually make him feel better than I can. I'm not leaving him alone.

I yelp in protest as he leaves blood on the floor, and make a grab for his hands. "Let me help you to the bathroom, Ankh," I say softly.

[redgreeed]

He grabs at my hands, clutching them, and I whimper in response, not in protest, I just... don't deserve his touch, especially not his concerned touch.

I want to fall against him. Listen to his heartbeat. Draw strength from him. I want him to wrap me up in his arms and tell me everything is okay.

I've hurt him too much, more than I can ever make up for. I garb roughly at his hand, my bloody finger marking him. I shouldn't be doing that. I just shouldn't.

"Okay..." I whisper, trying and failing to lift myself up, stand on my own two feet.

[hinooo]

He whimpers when I grab his hands, and I wince, afraid I'm hurting him. But I don't want him to rip his fingertips open any further against the floor.

His blood's on me. Not the first time.

"I've got you," I say firmly, lovingly, as I help him stand. I'm supporting most of his weight. I don't mind. Of course I don't. I understand this; I understand helping someone who's sick, and he's Ankh. Of course I don't mind.

"One step at a time." I start us off nice and slowly. I'll carry him if necessary, or bring a bucket to him.

[redgreeed]

I shouldn't be leaning against him, I don't deserve his support. I can't help it though, I can barely stay steady with his help, my legs are limp and wobbly, and I can't see even close to straight.

He guides me to the bathroom before I finally launch off him, crashing to the floor, my knees cracking painfully, and then I'm retching into the toilet. There's hardly anything solid in me, but it feels like my stomach is turning itself inside out and trying to vacate my chest.

I'm shaking once I'm done, clinging to anything I can reach. I want to dissolve into a puddle of self hate on the floor. Eiji should just leave me here. He should go to bed and forget all about me. I could be gone by the morning, never bother him, never hurt him, ever again...

[hinooo]

He pushes himself away from me, landing painfully on his knees, and starts throwing up into the toilet.

I wet a washcloth, then kneel next to him, leaving the washcloth in reach. I rub his back, and hold his hair out of the way. He finishes at last, and I wipe his forehead, his cheeks, his mouth, gently.

I put the washcloth aside. I can clean it soon enough. Right now what matters is putting an arm around him, and murmuring endearments into his hair.

[redgreeed]

He tends to me, cooling my brow, my flushed cheeks, even cleaning my mouth. I do not deserve this. I don't.

"Eiji," I choke, gagging dryly once, and try to pull away from him, not entirely successfully. "I don't deserve this."

I don't deserve you.

[hinooo]

"Don't deserve to be cared for? Why, because you're angry at me?"

I rinse the cloth in the sink, then sit back down with him. "I still love you, Ankh. No matter what. Of course I want to help you when you feel bad." My voice is shy, uncertain, because I don't know just what out of that will make him feel worse. But my feelings are not uncertain in the slightest.

[redgreeed]

I lean back against the toilet when he moves to rinse the cloth out. All shallow gasps and heavy swallows. I think I may still be sick again, my vision, my entire worldview, skewed. Off. Swirling.

"I... I hurt you." I lick my lips, panting slow and heavily. I look away from him, lifting one hand up far enough that I can close a fist over my chest.

"I almost hurt you m-mo... oh." I spin around again. Gagging again. Sick again.

I can't tell if it's the alcohol or my guilt that's causing it anymore.

[hinooo]

His voice sounds thick and pained, and he turns from me, to throw up again.

I tchhh under my breath, and crouch beside him again to rub his back. My poor Ankh.

"I've hurt you," I say softly in between bouts.

[redgreeed]

I finish being sick and sob, my whole body shaking, and not from the nausea, entirely from the wave of emotion overwhelming me.

"Not the same." I rest my forehead against the edge of the toilet, my arms gripping at it to keep myself from falling over completely. "I..."

I gag once, but not enough to get sick again. "I wanted to do horrible things to you tonight. You. The one I love. The one I gave my existence for."

[hinooo]

"If you mean sex, I didn't mind," I venture tentatively. "I wasn't fighting. I wasn't upset."

Well, I was. And am. But because Ankh's upset, not because I had any problem with having sex with him.

"You're new to getting drunk, and it's normal to get angry at people," I say softly. I start to work on cleaning him up again, then I tilt his face very gently towards me and kiss his forehead. He feels so hot.

"You didn't do it. Alcohol makes it harder to repress impulses, but you still didn't do it. You haven't hurt me."

[redgreeed]

He draws me closer to him, and even kisses my forehead, and a dry sob shakes me. I don't deserve this. Don't deserve him.

It's kind of incredible, how far I've sunk. Once a being of pure want and need and take, and now I feel...

"I don't know how to do this." I choke, I gag, I gasp. "I don't know how to be human. I just... don't. I can't."

[hinooo]

Ah, no.

No, no, no.

I take him in my arms properly, not particularly caring if he might end up throwing up down my back. "You're feeling awful because you got drunk," I say softly. "Let's talk about it all properly in the morning, when you're better? I promise I won't forget. I know it matters."

Maybe... maybe I should stop fighting for a while.

[redgreeed]

I struggle a little in his arms, not quite fighting against him, more weakly attempting to make him not want me. He shouldn't want me. I've hurt him, I could have hurt him so much more.

"I've felt this way before I got drunk." I stammer out, my throat wet and my lips dry. "It's just... just making it... h-harder."

He's so warm, warm and solid, and I selfishly lean against him, lean into him, lean on him and try to draw some of that magic warmth into my own shaking limbs.

"Eiji... I'm so sorry...."

[hinooo]

He struggles, but he's not really fighting me holding him. I think he's just upset. Horribly, horribly upset.

"I understand," I say around the lump in my throat. It's fighting. It's messing him up. I -- hate this.

I kiss his forehead again. "You don't need to be sorry. I don't want you to be upset, Ankh. Come on, let me tuck you in."

Right. Time to swing him up into my arms.

[redgreeed]

He moves, and I move slightly against him, struggling to stand on my own two feet.

My own two human feet. Mine. Not borrowed. Flesh and blood and delicate bones. Easily wounded, easily broken.

Human. Mine. Me.

Painfully, vulnerably, human.

I am on my feet. My feet, leaning on Eiji for support only as much as I need.

I am trying not to breathe too heavily, trying not to suck in all the air my panicking brain thinks I need.

[hinooo]

He's breathing too fast.

I pick him up gently, settling him against me, nestling him into me. "Breathe with me," I tell him softly. "Don't make yourself pass out."

What's left here can stay here for the night. I manoeuvre us carefully out of the bathroom and head for the bedroom. I sit down on the bed with him still cradled in my arms. "It's all right, Ankh. Just keep breathing."

[redgreeed]

I try my best to time my breaths with Eiji's. In and out. I-in and o-ou-out.

The room spins, and I cling to him.

"Eiji," I gasp, beyond feeling guilt, beyond feelings of pride. I grab hard at his hand and try to catch his eyes with my swirling gaze. "Bear?"

I need the bear he gave me.

[hinooo]

He's fading.

It's quite ridiculous. He's always been fragile physically, both in the detective's body and now in his own. Slim wrists, skin barely stretched over bone, fragility on fragility. But his personality has such force, he's so strong, that I don't really notice until he's vulnerable like this.

Until he's shuddering in my arms, trying to trust me, trying to breathe with me. Failing.

He grabs my hand and asks for his bear, and my heart nearly breaks all over again. I press my lips to his forehead. "Of course."

I keep one arm around his shoulders, cradling his head against the dip under my collarbone, and reach out with the other hand, reach behind me, for the bear. I think I saw it on -- there.

I place the bear in his arms. "Let me get you settled in bed, okay?"

[redgreeed]

I lean into him, my head tucked up under his chin, still trying to time my shallow breathes with his deeper ones. And mostly failing.

But I can heart his heartbeat, strong and steady. And powerful. As Powerful as his will.

Oh.

Oh that's what it always was with him.

I clutch at the bear he gave me, once he sets it safely in my arms. The room is spinning fiercely now, practically doing summersaults.

He didn't have passion, he didn't have desire.

He has will.

"Eiji, I love you." I murmur against him, then choke, because I have no right to say that to him, not after tonight. I shake my head, and try to pull away from him, try to move toward my pillow, where I can curl up and pretend...

I don't even know.

Maybe just try and forget.