[Mushverse] For Eiji

[redgreeed]

I stumble into the restaurant, long after the sun has set, after the place has closed. I giggle when the door bangs behind me, and watch it as it swings shut, as it locks itself. I used to always go in through the window, but now I find I can't reach it, no matter how agile I'm feeling.

I trip on something, maybe just the floor, and halfway fall into a table, laughing sharp and shrill as I do. I smack it once with my hand, the same way I smacked Kazari on the shoulder and declared we'd always be brothers, even though neither of us are Greeeds anymore.

That was around the third bottle of sake, after my cheeks went numb, and before my fingers and toes joined them. He's a good cat, he made sure none of my food had any bird meat in it.

And he made sure I got home without wandering off and trying to climb any trees. Well, no more than he tried to.

Oh.

The room is spinning.

Comments

[redgreeed]

I take a heavy gulp of my drink, after nudging the stick of the ice pop out of the way with my nose. It's not exactly a pleasant combination of flavors, but it'll do for now.

I just want to be numb. I want to not worry anymore, not have all these thoughts and emotions and feelings. Not feel like the world is closing in around me. Like my life is spinning out of my control.

Not fear for Eiji's life. Not feel like I don't have a purpose anymore.

"I wish I was still Greeed." I mutter into my cup.

[hinooo]

I let out a soft oof at that, a hand up in instinctive protest. But no. No, he's drunk, it doesn't mean he was happier before he became human. I must be conscientious about that. He's drunk, he won't be saying things the way he would when sober.

Though maybe that's the point.

I battle the hurt back down inside. He matters right now, not my silly feelings. "How do you mean?" I ask softly, shifting so I can sit close to him.

[redgreeed]

I glance at him, as I lean back against the counter, just briefly, but enough to just barely catch his gaze.

"It hurts," I take another heavy gulp of my drink, then clutch at my chest, at my shirt just over my heart. My new heart. Mine. Under a year old. "It hurts in here. It hurts really bad."

I look at him proper, my eyes wavering. "But you don't care. You want me to go on hurting."

I 'tch' with a click of my tongue, and look away from him, look back into my steadily diminishing drink. "You wouldn't understand. How could you?"

[hinooo]

"It hurts?" I repeat, horrified. I move to him and place a gentle hand over his heart. "No, I don't want you to hurt. H-How can you say that?"

I can't believe this. It's meant to be a good time. I can transform again, I can actually help, and we're together, and he's finding friendship with Kazari, and we're working at Cous Coussier... But it means just about nothing if he's upset like this.

[redgreeed]

I stare at him, as his hand presses against my chest. Memories wash over me, recent times together, recent intimacy. Before his hospital time, before I thought I was going to lose him.

Clutching at him. Crying. Trying to find his heartbeat.

"You're going to keep on fighting." I finish my drink and stare down into its empty depths. I just...

"You're going to keep on fucking fighting." I fling my cup at the wall, watching the glass shatter.

[hinooo]

"Yes, I am," I say cautiously, but he finishes his drink and just stares into the cup. Motionless. Silent.

It's not like we haven't talked about this at all. It's not like this is a surprise. He knows I'm fighting. He came with me to visit Kougami-san, after all. It's also not a surprise that he's not completely happy about it.

But the depth of his feelings? The twisted up confusingness of this? That's a surprise.

I didn't know. I -- I should've paid more attention.

He hurls his cup at the wall, and I grimace, then dart to get the dustpan and brush.

[redgreeed]

He darts away, but I don't let him get very far. I grab at his arm, clutching hard and yanking, dragging him back toward me.

I... I shove him around, pushing him back against the counter. Hard. I want it to hurt. I want him to feel a fraction of what I'm feeling.

I grab both his wrists, tight, but not digging my nails in like I want to. I hold them up, moving in close to him. I stare at him. Hard.

I drop one of his wrists, instead grabbing at his hair, yanking hard and guiding his face where I need it.

I kiss him, so forcefully I think I might split both out bottom lips in the process.

[hinooo]

I'm not far from the dustpan when a grip on my arm pulls me back. Startled, I feel the counter impact painfully on my lower back as he shoves at me.

He's holding me by the wrists, hard enough to hurt. Not hard enough to hurt. I blink at him, befuddled, then he pulls my head around and his mouth crashes against mine.

I mmf in protest, not sure what he's trying to prove. Not sure what he wants. Not sure what he needs.

But it's Ankh, and he's kissing me, and of all people I want to be open to him. So I kiss him back. I don't match his ferocity. I just kiss him, one hand gripping his waist gently, the other one cupping his face.

[redgreeed]

I kiss him harder than I even have before, all sucking on swollen lips and teeth clicking biting. I kiss him until my lungs burn from lack of breath, and then a little longer.

I'm so angry, so upset. I don't know what to do with my feelings. I don't know how to put them into words.

My hips press against his, pressing him harder against the counter. I'm still near pinching his wrist, still pulling on his hair.

[hinooo]

The counter top is a ridge of pain along my lower back, and though I want to keep accepting, keep being pliant, it's hard not to grimace. He's so insistent, so furious, so... so drunk.

I tug my arm a little, seeing if he'll at least let go of my wrist.

{let me know if this gets too heavy for you. I personally have very few triggers]

[redgreeed]

I practically growl into his mouth. That little tug he gives at his arm making me grip all the harder. Nails digging in.

I want him to hurt like I hurt. I want him to know how scared I am.

Somewhere inside I know this is wrong. That I should be treating him sweetly, gently. Should be showing him how much I love him.

I bite his lip so hard it splits, I can taste the light tang of blood. I lap it up and swallow.

Nooo worries. TRIGGER WARNING for anyone reading along, for sexual assault a la Spike & Buffy.

[hinooo]

He growls, squeezing my wrist harder, then I feel a flash of pain as he... actually bites my lip hard enough to break the skin. What the-

He's swallowing my blood.

I pull my head back, awkwardly because he has a grip on my hair still and I'd prefer it to stay attached to my head. A tiny trickle of blood is warm on my lower lip. "Ankh, enough," I say firmly.

Not QUITE as harsh as Spike and Buffy, but, along those lines. (just adding to the warning)

[redgreeed]

No. It's not enough. It's never enough. He doesn't understand. He has no idea what I'm feeling. How badly my chest... my heart hurts.

I step closer to him, hooking one foot around one of his ankles and pushing aside, spreading his legs wide. I press in closer, licking the blood from his lips again, as I grab at both his wrists, hard, fingertips leaving bruises.

I can't think about how I could have hurt him when I was still a Greeed. I am not that strong anymore, no where near.

I shift slightly, getting my free leg between his, and practically crushing my hipbone against his dick, using the friction of the cloth between us to my advantage.

Re: Not QUITE as harsh as Spike and Buffy, but, along those lines. (just adding to the warning)

[hinooo]

He doesn't respond verbally. Just grabs my wrists, hard, and licks at my lip again. I tilt my head back but I'm stuck against the counter. Nowhere to go.

I'm not terrified, because we're basically matched in strength, but I'm unsettled as hell. He's so upset. I don't want to try to force him off me yet.

He steps in closer, getting me off balance with a leg in between mine, making me yelp.

...of course I'm getting hard. "How about we sit down and talk about this properly?" I attempt. "Maybe in the morning, after you've slept?"

[redgreeed]

"No." I grip even harder at his wrists, angry, and hurt, and frustrated. He's trying to be kind and help but he doesn't get it. He wants to wait. He wants emotions to grow cold. Wants to gloss over everything like he always does.

"No." I let go of one of his hands. Moving my hand down quickly between us. He doesn't have a belt, he barely has a waistband, as usually, and I shove my hand down, inside his stupid underwear, and grab his dick. Hard. Too hard. Not hard enough.

[hinooo]

He's outraged at the suggestion. Dammit, how did I miss this underneath everything? I'm supposed to know him, supposed to help him, supposed to love him, but I didn't know this went so deep-

I gasp, strangled, as he grabs my erection. Which of course responds to his hand, twitching needily. I don't know if this is right...

[redgreeed]

I stroke him roughly once, twice, maybe three times, just making sure he's good and hard before I pull my hand away.

It's not difficult to spin him around, a few grips here, a well placed leg there, and then I'm practically crushing his hips against the counter. I use one hand - the hand currently not gripping Eiji's hair, not currently gripping and forcing forward, keeping him in place, keeping his head prone - to drag his waistband down, to get my own jeans open enough so that I can get my dick free.

This is wrong. I know that on some level. But on another level... I don't care.

[hinooo]

He jerks me off a couple times, making my breath catch in my throat, then spins me.

His hand's in my hair, and he's grinding me painfully into the counter. I'm up on my toes. Can't get any leverage.

I don't quite know quite how to react, but then I hear his zipper. He yanks at my pants. The air's a shock against my bare butt. "Ankh," I say hastily, squirming a little. I can barely move with the way he's arranged me, but I need something. I can manage with minimal lubrication, but I need something.

But... if this is what he needs, maybe I'll just grit my teeth and deal with it.

[redgreeed]

I spit into my hand and then stroke my dick once or twice. It's not even close to proper lubrication, but it'll have to do. I'm going to make it do.

I want him to hurt the way I hurt, or at least equivalently. I also want to feel connected to him. I'm drunk, I'm in pain, and Eiji doesn't understand.

I use my legs to spread Eiji's wider, pressing against him, ready to take him. I bite at his shoulder, hard enough to bruise, almost hard enough to break skin.

I'm hurting him.

I'm almost inside him, just hovering on the edge of pressing forward. I want to fuck him raw against the counter. Want him to know everything I'm feeling, want him to know how much I...

I don't want him to get hurt. I don't want him to leave me.

I'm shaking. My cheeks are wet.

I'm hurting him.

I stumble back, letting Eiji go as I do. I stagger to the opposite wall. My knees can't hold me up anymore, and I crumble to the floor, hunched over, half turned toward the wall.

"Oh god, Eiji..." I nearly choke on a sob.

[hinooo]

He's using spit, I think. Not enough, but at least it'll be something.

This is going to hurt.

He spreads my legs further apart, and I tense, then gasp as his teeth near break the skin in my shoulder. I don't know if we should do this, not just because it'll hurt, but because I don't know how to deal with what he's feeling. Hell, I don't even know if I can define what he's feeling.

I thought I knew.

He's shaky. His erection's nudging at me. I swallow, hard, and wait, then...

Then his weight's gone, and he's on the other side of the room. My head comes up and I blink at the wall. "Ankh?"

I push myself up, wincing a little, then yank my pants up as I turn. My heart squeezes, my face falls. "Ankh," I repeat helplessly. Maybe I should get someone else to talk to him. Someone who knows what they're doing.

[redgreeed]

My entire body shakes, trembles, convulses. I scrape at the floor with my nails, hard enough to burn, maybe hard enough to make one or two of my fingertips bleed. I can't tell.

I'm breaking down, everything I've been feelings coming to a sharp reality inside me. I don't know who I am, what I am. Not beyond Eiji, and even that is hard to define.

I love him. I told him that when he... almost died.

He almost died.

I love him, but I don't know who I am. What I can be for him. I don't know my place anymore. I can't use him to find medals, there are no more medals to find. I can't fight beside him, I am limited by human strength now.

I love him, my love for him wakes me up at night sometimes, with the fierceness of my beating heart. I love him, but there is still this gaping hole inside me.

I've hurt him.

[hinooo]

He's huddled into the wall like he wants nothing more than to get away, get away from everything, get away from me. I think his fingers are bleeding, with how desperate he is.

I swallow. Maybe I should get Chiyoko-san. Or Hina-chan. Date-san, or Gotou-san.

I'm not up to this. I've proven how monumentally I'm not up to this. The odds have been incredibly bad, against me, other times when I've thrown myself into situations. This is worse. I honestly don't see how I can come out of this with any kind of success. And it's not about me 'succeeding', that's not the important part, it's about helping him feel a bit better, helping him work out what he needs to do so he can feel a lot better.

I don't know how to do that.

But.

But I can love him.

I'm the only one here, and I don't know if the others could help any more than I can anyway. I -- I don't want to leave him alone.

The odds have been incredibly bad, against me, other times when I've thrown myself into situations. This is worse.

I'm going to try anyway.

I pad over to him and get down next to him in a crouch, then I reach out and let a hand close very gently, very lightly, over his shoulder.

I'm here, Ankh. I'm not leaving you, no matter what. I love you.

[redgreeed]

Soft movement, echoing off the insides of my skull. He's moving closer. Why is he moving closer? Doesn't he know I'm bad for him? Doesn't he know I will only, always, hurt him?

I whimper when he touches me, curling closer to the wall. But I don't want to detach from his touch, don't want to move too far away from his comfort.

I am so selfish. I want him to be there for me, even after I have hurt him so deeply.

I almost... "Oh god."

I almost hurt him more than I could ever take back. I almost...

Rape. That's the word. If I am honest with myself. Though it makes me want to throw up. Makes me want to take the nearest knife and carve my own heart out.

[hinooo]

He whimpers, hunches over further, and my breath catches in my throat in empathy. He's trying to make himself smaller, trying to melt into the wall. At least he hasn't yanked himself away from my hand.

(I don't know how to do this.)

I can't leave this pain unanswered, though. Not in anyone. Especially not in Ankh.

(The two halves of his medal, warm in my hand.)

"Tell me," I request softly, inching closer. I slip an arm around his shoulders, again, as lightly as I can, so he won't feel too pressured. "Tell me everything."

[redgreeed]

I shake my head rapidly at his words, at his request. I can't. I just can't. He would take it too hard. Or see it as something he has to fix.

He can't fix this. He would try, and hate himself for failing.

My stomach lurches, and I scrape at the floor again, splitting my fingers further, trailing blood. I can't even feel it. Not even the slickness as my fingers glide.

"I'm going to be sick."

It's all I can get out. All I can manage. I curl further inward. He should leave. He should leave me to my guilt and misery.